How long?

This past week has been a hard one for me. Well really the past few month have been.  Just felt like I was stuck in a rut. I had no motivation. No drive. No desire.  I kept praying for God to show me something. Show me my path. Show me his plan. Something!!!

Today when I woke up... I felt God speaking to my heart... I know a path to go now. He's shown me this before.. and then life gets in the way and I start to doubt it or question it.  This time.. I need to not let life or myself get in the way. I know this is something that I can do.. that I must do.

So even when I felt down and was overthinking everything in my life... God was still working in me... He has always loved me.  He is so good!!!


Have a wonderful weekend!!

Blessings N Love
Overthinking Mama

being pushed.

I have been feeling this push from the Lord for at least 2 years now to start a Christian singles bible study/life group/get together. 

A few years ago, when I was going thru a hard time in my life with being single and depression I talked to my pastor about starting a singles bible study. I thought it was something that would be great for the church and something that is really needed. I know that I am not the only person in the church that struggle with being a Christian and being single.  He wasn’t very open about the idea and eventually just stopped replying to my emails.  I believe it was only a few more weeks after that, that I stopped going to that church.   I just felt very turned off by the way that he handled the whole situation.  That was two years ago.

Off and on over the past year I had the urge to start up a bible study or something but never really pursued it past the urge. I really didn’t know where to start.  This past January I felt that urge again while I was at church. That He’s pushing me towards doing this singles group, there was only one problem, I was dating someone… so technically – not single.  I prayed on it and a few weeks later my boyfriend at the time showed me his true colors and we ended up breaking up.  So here I am a month later… and doing nothing but writing a blog post about it. lol.

I have a big fear or anxiety issues when it comes to talking to people. I really don’t like calling people or talking to them about things. I barely even talk to people that I know and am friends with. I just really don’t like doing that. Let alone, trying to run a group and having to speak in front of them.  But I know that it something that I can and will have to overcome in my life. 

I also have a big fear of the unknown and of failure. I really don’t know where to start or what to talk about or anything. So that is holding me back. I don’t want to start up something and no one shows up, or that a bunch of people show up and I just stand up front of them and am like “ddddrrrruuuuhhhh?????” 

I need to pray on it more, be still and listen to what God is saying to me. I know the doors are not going to just open up for me unless I go and knock on them first.  I need to put my fear in to God’s hands and just go for it.   I need to get over my own selfish ideas and just do it.


Blessings N Love

Overthinking Mama 

Marriage Quotes

I found this awesome Blog and wanted to share it with you: ToLove, HONOR and vacuum by Shelia Wray Gregoire…

One of the articles that I read was The 50 best Marriage quotesof 2011… Below are some of my favorites that I thought I would share.  Reading these quotes make me even more anxious and excited to finally be married to the man that God has planned of me. I can’t wait to be the wife God wants me to be.

Your only expectation of your future husband should be that he walk with Jesus.You want a man who will be a spiritual leader and that you worship Jesus together. If you have that, the chances of having a happy marriage are very high.
Lori Alexander, Your Standard of Beauty

Marriage is hard work and can be a bumpy road at times. But if I hang on tight to the hem of Jesus and the hand of my husband – I’ll have the best ride of my life!
Women Living Well, 14 Things I’ve Learned in 14 Years of Marriage

 Love is by definition focused on its object. If I’m thinking about me, I am not focused on loving my man.
Elspeth, Traditional Christianity, The Heart of the Five Love Languages

 It’s one of those cases where you may win the battle but lose the war. In marriage, it’s either win-win or lose-lose. There is no win-lose. If you both don’t win, you both lose.
To Love, Honor and Vacuum, Am I too Hard on Women?

Nowhere in the Bible does it say that we should wait for someone else to do the right thing before we do the right thing.
To Love, Honor and Vacuum, Am I too Hard on Women?

Sex is God’s idea. It is His blessing to husbands and wives. It is His provision for making children, increasing intimacy, and providing pleasure to married couples whom He loves. Take a brief moment today to thank Him for sex.
Hot, Holy and Humorous, Are you Thankful for Sex?

Sex will fall by the wayside if you do not intentionally make it a priority.
One Flesh Marriage, Sex is the Glue

Sex should be deeply intimate and connecting, and while the physical pleasure is great and important, too much focus on that (for yourself or your bride) means not having the ability to focus on other vital aspects of the sex act. Maybe we would all enjoy sex more, and maybe even have more of it, if we stuck to a narrow menu, with something extra thrown in only very rarely.
Generous Husband, How Much Variety Does it Take?

 Researchers found that spouses who reported above-average sexual satisfaction were 10 to 13 times more likely to be “very happy” in their marriage, compared with those who were less satisfied sexually.
Marriage Gems, Want a Happier Marriage? Be Generous

 Intimacy should not be equated with sex. In fact, chances are, if you aren’t intimate in the other areas of your life your sexual intimacy will be one of the first things to suffer.
Marriage Life, Intimacy is a Marathon not a Sprint

Give your man a break. Let him be who God designed him to be.
Hot, Holy and Humorous, Prince Ideal vs. Prince Real

You don’t have to agree with him over everything. Just value him, listen to him and take him into consideration when there are choices to be made. And, please, never disgrace him publicly.
The Generous Wife, Worth and Value

You might think that you have all of the answers and need to protect your husband from making the wrong choice, but nagging, pouting, losing your temper and complaining aren’t going make him a better man.
Time Warp Wife, Trust in the Potter

As I released my fears and unrealistic expectations, I started to really like and love my man for who he is – as a husband, father and friend. My heart and my marriage began to heal.
Renee Swope, RooMag, Searching for Happily Ever After

 Kiss every chance you get.
Intimacy in Marriage, Do You Really Have Plenty of Time to Nurture Your Marriage?

Please make sure you check out the blog and the above article to read all of the great quotes!

Blessings N Love

Overthinking Mama

God is in my life

I have seen the Lord working in my life this week… It’s been mind boggling to say the least…   I have always wanted to see the Lord.. and I a have moments where I feel his presence or where I see something that I can say yea… that was becaue of God… but this week seriously has blow me away…  

This past weekend I was given something that I have wanted for a while now…  but once I got it, it wasn’t what I wanted anymore. It made me realize that this isn’t my life.. This is God’s life and I need to live it for him and not for my selfish wants.  Sunday night/Monday morning while laying in bed I felt the Lord urging me to start a New Believer’s Bible Study group.    So I am now in the process of doing that.  I am scared.

This group is going to be great!!  For me and hopefully for everyone that comes!  I am scared to death.  I am scared to lead a group of people. I am scared of failure. I am scared period.  But I know this is something that I can and WILL do. I know the Lord is pushing me to get over my own insecurities.. my own walls that I have built up to do better for HIM.   I know this is where my Lord is wanting me to go.

So if anyone has any advice on doing this… books I should get… anything… I would really appreciate it because I am not really sure where to even start!!  J

I have seen and felt God so much this week… I am seriously still in awe over it.  He is working in my life… In ways I never would have thought. Showing so many things. For the first time ever I was able to do something that I never even thought about doing before.. and didn’t realize it till after I did it… with out God I wouldn’t be where I am now!!!  

Thank you Lord for all the blessing you have giving me… please continue to guide me and show me your presence in my life Lord… with out you I would be nothing.

God Bless

Overthinking Mama

Closer

I have so many thoughts running through my head today… well actually the last few days.   I have been talking to a new friend about our walks with Christ and its just been wonderful. I feel like I am closer to the Lord.  I feel like I am more intune with him right now.  Its crazy.  I am so happy and so in love with the Lord. Just thinking about it, makes my heart skip a beat!! 

This morning I woke up around 3am when my daughter had to go potty. I remember looking at the clock thinking man its too early… I just want to go back to sleep, but maybe I’ll get up with my alarm and read the bible. I haven’t done that in awhile. I clearly heard the Lord tell me that he would help me.   I laid down and slept till my alarm went off at 630. I hit the snooze and laid back down. Just 5 more minutes. I clearly heard the Lord say I’ll wake you at 7am… and don’t ya know, my alarm didn’t go off again till 7am!!  As much as I wanted to hit snooze and go back to sleep ever for just 5 minutes more, I knew I needed to get up and do what I said I would.  And so I did. I read Malachi. I  wanted to stop before I was finished reading because it was getting late and I didn’t want my son to miss the bus, but again I heard the Lord tell me it will be ok. So I finished reading and rushed to get myself and the kids ready. We walked out the door after the normal time to catch the bus… we got to the bus stop and still had enough time to say our morning prayers before the bus showed up. The Lord did as he promised… It was ok.

Not everyday goes this good. Not everyday to I hear the Lord whispering in my ear. And those are the days that I struggle. 

I pray that my ears and my heart will continue to open to hear the Lord.

I am finishing up The Shack. It has been such a great. I definitely recommend reading it to help get a different and better grasp on God.  

I also picked up Lecrae- Rehab: The Overdose. I love Lecrae. I love Rehab so I had to have Overdose… I still love Rehab more… but Overdose is great!!  J

God Bless

Overthinking Mama 

thoughts for the day

I feel the Lord around me today…  I feel like he’s lifting me up for something… I am not sure what and maybe that’s all part of this… growing my faith.

I felt Him last night too. I was in the shower and I could feel his presence around me.. like he was hugging me, telling me everything would be alright.

I also heard him tell me… just to be content with everything for now… this will get even better J

I have had this strong feeling that the Lord has something wonderful planned for me… like I truly have a purpose more than just being a woman, a mom, a friend, a daughter, a sister, a salesperson… like He wants me to do something, to spread His blessings.   Though I still don’t really know what it is I am supposed to be doing. I have prayed for this for so long… and I will keep praying until it finally happens.

I do have a longing for change… a different job, different house, different city, something majorly different…. But that also scares me…  I need the job that I have right now. They are wonderful. They are flexible when need be. The pay is exactly what I need to pay my bills. But I do have moments where I feel maybe I need to move on.   A different house… I so would love a bigger home. There so many cute ones a few streets over in a wonderful neighborhood where I have always wanted to live… and they are for sale… but I  don’t have good credit and honestly even if I did because it would be such a bigger house, I don’t know if I could afford just the heat to keep it warm J A different city is just about out… unless it like an adjacent city to where I live now and still close enough that it doesn’t take me forever to get to where I need to be. With my Step mom having lung cancer and my dad not always in the greatest of health, my brother being mentally handicapped and when my parents pass, I will be all he has… I need to stick around here J and even tho sometimes I hate where I live… I hate the cold. The snow. I know I wont be able to leave any time soon… J  So I dunno…

Any who…

Just wanted to type.. so there ya go.. my thoughts for the day. J

God Bless

Overthinking Mama

Going to church

This is something that I have been bouncing around in my head for the last few days/weeks... and I guess its time to get it out in writing... I pray the Lord guides my words and my thoughts through-out this posting.

My boyfriend and I just this week actually had a little bit of a talk about this..

He was telling me that he grew up in Church... Went every Sunday with his mom... went to Sunday school.. etc.. but he hasn't been to church in years... not because he doesnt believe but because he doesn't feel completely right about sinning all week long... then going to church and acting holier than thou.

OK... NOW TO FINISH THIS... 
I started this post probably about 3 or 4 weeks ago... maybe I can finish it up today?! or at least this week! lol. 

Ok... So the BF was saying that he doesnt like to go to church because he doesnt feel like its right... like you sin all week long and then you go to church and pretend that you are something that you are not.  I completely understand that. I have had a lot of people tell me that same exact excuse including my ex... but I can not say that is how I feel.  I understand where they are coming from... but I believe that church is more than just going and pretending or about being perfect. 

I know I am FAR from perfect.. I have never once said I was perfect... and I will be one of the first people to tell you my sins and my inperfections...   My biggest sins... I sleep with a man that I am not married to. I drink. (now I dont believe there is anything wrong with drinking nor that it is a sin... as long as it is in moderation..). I curse. I have lied. I have thoughts that I shouldnt have. I get jealous over things/covet what other have... etc...  there are more... My past especially is lined with sin after sin...   
Now... even tho I do sin... I still (tho not recently) go to church on a regular basis. I normally go to church ever Sunday.  But I don't go in there pretending that I am perfect or that when I leave there I won't sin again.  I go there to worship the Lord... I go to worship in a way that I can't at home.   
Just this past Sunday... my pastor was talking about being inperfect... and what the bible says and living the "biblical way" and that no one does... including him...  He mentioned on part that stuck out in my head... There is a passage in the bible that talks about if your neighbor hits your right check.. turn your head and let him hit the left... in other words... do not retaliate.  My pastor was like "if someone hits me... I am going to hit them back".  He went on to say that some of the "laws and rules" rules in the bible can't always apply to life today.   And that no one is perfect. 

I don't go to church to pretend I am someone I am not... I go to worship.... worship as a sinner... worship as me.  I am saved... but I still do sin... and sometimes I knowingly sin.  But I also know that I try. I am a good person. I try my hardest not to hurt anyone. I try not to judge anyone... I am there for others... I am not malisious... I believe in God. I believe in Jesus Christ. I read the bible. I pray all the time. I am not ashamed of being a Christian.   I dont know if when the day comes when Jesus comes to take his children, if I will be one of them... because I still do sin... I still am far from perfect... but I believe that I have a pretty good chance... The Lord knows my heart. that is what matters I think.  Not that I went to church as a sinner... but that I love the Lord whole heart and soul.   

What is your thought on this?   

Just write what I feel

... that is what my boyfriend told me to do today... I told him that I felt like writing.. but I didnt know about what... a lot of my blogs seem to start out like that... I just feel like writing... :-)

Me and my boyfriend B had a great talk last night.... I feel like it brought me closer to him... which is scary... I will admit that I was trying to keep up a wall... cuz I dont want to be hurt anymore... I have delt with enough hurt in just the past 4 years that I dont want to go through it again... but then I also know that if I dont let him in... I will never be able to be happy. So I am.. little by little ... because he is a great guy... one of the best guys I have ever dated.

My hair is bugging me at the moment... I washed it last night, instead of this morning... and now its starting to get greasy and is just clinging to my neck.. and its bugging me! lol. I was thinking about getting it cut... a lot short.. but I also want to let it grow longer... tho the longest my hair has been that I can remember was just past my shoulders and that was about 5yrs ago..

Wow... I cant believe that its been 5yrs since I got divorsed! That still boggles my mind the way that time goes... and its been almost 5yrs since I met Travis... I look back... and so much of my past is focused around that point... The point when I met Travis... and then the relationship that devolped from that point... all the love... the hurt.. the pain.. the lonliness.. the the most precious lil baby girl ever... No man - no... NO ONE has ever hurt me the way that man did. My heart still aches just thinking about it all... I don't want to get into it today... but one good thing I can say tho... is if it wasnt for him... and the pain/lonliness/heartbreak that I felt... I wouldnt be saved... I know everyone always blames God when bad things happen.. when people die, when something horrific happens... but I dont... I know there is a plan behind it all.. I have seen it so much in my own life that it is crazy... sometimes I think you have to be LOW and on your knees to be able to realize that you need God in your life... that you can't do it all alone.. and you never have... God is there... I mean when you are at a high point in your life... do you really call out to God for thanks? for help? to praise?? But whats the first thing you think when you are Low?? why did God let this happen?? maybe so you would call to him once more? Thats my thoughts anyway.

Peys got a detention tonite for being late to school... I feel bad because I know part of it is my fault.. I need to get us up earlier in the mornings... and I have actually started to do that ! yay me! but Pey also has a hard time moving and remembering things in the mornings... so it slows us down a bit to..
I swear I dont know how I did it a couple years ago.. I would get myself up and dress, Pey dress and Sissy dressed in 20minutes!! I can't do that now!!
I need to get Sissy more into dressing herself in the mornings.. Pey was in 1st grade before he started doing it himself. I dont want to go thru that with her.. I want her to be more independent that her brother was. Its amazing how much things change from kid to kid... the more you know I guess! :-)
I got Pey signed up for Little League last week.. so that will be starting in May.. I can't wait.. I love watching him play baseball. I always have such a good time. This will be his first year playing baseball. The last 3 years he's played t-ball.. and he is always been really good. I cant wait to start throwing the ball around to him and helping him with all of that.
I am going to get Sissy signed up for gymnastics hopefully Monday or so. I think she will love it.. She is always bouncing around, doing flips, the splits, and kartwheels... so I think she will be good at it...
Pey was so cute last night.. My mom was talking about reading the bible.. and he was like well I dont read it very often cuz I dont understand things... So my mom told him that he can always ask me or call her with any questions... And he was like and it talked about the s word... My mom asked him ... whats the S word... He spelled it out S-E-X.. lmbo! He was like.. its nasty. LOL!! I was cracking up... My mom said that she hopes he keeps thinking like that till he's 16 or older... I hate to say it... but I dont. Not that I want him to go out and being having sex with all the lil girlys or anything... bbbbuuuutttt... I want him to be a normal teenage boy! I want him to want girls... and have the normal thoughts about them... and I hope that he will feel like he can come to me with any questions or anything in regards to all of that... (tho I have a feeling he wont becuase he is too self consious and afraid of how I would react.. either bad by getting upset.. or laughing cuz I find it funny). I think I knew about sex when I was around 5-6 yrs old.. I dont think I understood it completely.. but I knew... and I first understood about things when I was around 7 or8 because I think that was when I first masterbated.. TMI? lol. but anyway.. change of subject.

i am a little irritated tho... The bday gift I bought for my bf bday is still in processing.. I ordered it Sunday and it hasnt even shipped yet. :-( so I don't think he will get it by his birthday. I am sad now.. I know I should have ordered it earlier.. but honestly I didn't think of this till Saturday night/Sunday morning! I think he will like it anyway... even if it is late!



Read more: http://www.mylivesignature.com/mls_wizard2_1.php?sid=54488-116-3D9D7D1F69D1CCED5C7CD67448B7BFA5#ixzz0j6KXgdvx

Happy New Year!

Well as we say Good bye to 2009 and hello to 2010... it time for me to over think and reminisce about the past year...
As weird as it is... a lot of things have happened.. and yet in someways I still feel like I am right back where I was this time last New Years...

Lets see all that has happened in 2009...

Started going to church at Harvest Ridge :-)
Got baptised.
Turned 27 :-)
Became closer to my best friend and then eventually started dating... then back to being friends.
Started going to Life Group.
Got one step closer to gettin away from an ex.
Helped my sister move to Columbus
Started with Tastefully Simple
Had to deal with situations that weren't pleasant.. but turned out alright
Met some really great people.

Over the past year... my mentality has changed tho... I have focus more on my relationship with the Lord... and there was a time where I took my focus off that and moved it on to worldly things... but its back on the Lord and I think is stronger than ever.

I say I am in the same place as I was last year because I am still single... still struggling day to day with many thing... bills, kids, work, life... and I was hoping by this time I would have found someone.. but that is not in Gods plans just yet... but I do know that he has a great man out there for me.. its just a matter of time.. HIS time.. not mine...

My new years resolution is to move forward in my life... to quit turning around and focusing on things from my past... past love, past hurt, past mistakes, past rewards... I need to focus on God and the future... there is too many issues from my past that I take with my day to day... and I need to stay away from all of that and focus on my future and the plan that God has for me... I am not really sure what that is or where exactly I am going... but I have faith and it will be all good because it will be in the Lord.

So heres too 2010 being the best year yet... focusing on the Lord in all you do... Praise HIM for all.. good and bad. dont expect every prayer to be answered.. but for the right prayers to be answered... He knows what he is doing... He sees the bigger picture in ways you cant even imagine... Better your relationship with the Lord... even if it just starts with an "im sorry"

God Bless you and yours in 2010!

Merry Christmas

Well its 10pm on Christmas eve and I am sitting here on the computer instead of trying to go to sleep. I know tomorrow will be another long day...

Today was a wonderful day. I was very blessed that I was able to get off work early and able to go and spend the day with my Dad and Stepmom and Step-Step Grandma and brother and of course my kids... then i got to spend the evening with my mom, my stepdad and my brother and my daughter... ( my son was with his father already).

When I was on my way to the restaurant to meet my mom and stepdad.. I was thinking about how wonderful this holiday... How wonderful it is that God cared enough about us to send us his son to save us... to give us hope. And it made me think about all the people out there that think this holiday means nothing... or that its just about santa and getting gifts and food and all the commercialization that has become of Christmas... We dont even say Merry Christmas anymore... its Happy Holidays... its not longer Christmas break.. its winter break... We as humans keep trying to "make everyone happy" and lose the whole Christmas spirit... yet.. if t wasnt for the birth of our Lord SAVIOR Jesus Christ... would there be a holiday to celebrate? or would the 25th of December just be another day that we happen to get together as a family?
why cant we keep Christ in this holiday with out worrying if we offend anyone?? yet dont believe it to be offensive to anyone if we say "Happy Holidays" . Personally, I dont find that offensive... but I am sure that there is somone out there that does... would you care enough to not say it to them?? And at what point will it become that we cant wish anyone any type of holiday greeting with out offending them?? and at what point will we be wrong for celebrating Jesus in any fashion?? is that really what this planet is going to come to??

on a selfish note.... after I came home from all the busyness of today... i started having my own selfish feelings rise up in me... the devil got ahold of my emotions... and brought me down... turned my thoughts over to the fact that I once again am "alone" on Christmas eve... I am still not married... this will be my 3rd Christmas spending it "alone" with my children... neither of their fathers here with us to celebrate... No man here to help me with gifts... or even just to snuggle up on the couch watching a movie waiting for the little ones to go to sleep so we could bring out the "santa gifts" ... Instead I have to do it all by myself...
But I need to realighn my focus... focus on the fact that I am not what this time of year is about... My own selfish wants and needs are not important... God has already blessed me with 2 wonderful lil children that love me and i love them even more... that God has blessed me in more ways than I will ever deserve... and that He has a man out there planned for me... He is still moulding me and that man to be perfect for each other... I know that God has a plan for me and right now that plan is for me to be single... to focus on Him, my walk with him, on my kids and to keep my eyes, my ears and my heart open up to the Him... I need to focus on HIM. period. and that is what this time of year is for...
Tomorrow is not just another holiday in the year... Its not just another birthday of someone whos been long dead and forgotten... Tomorrow is the start of a life... and because of that life... we have hope... we. have. hope... we have a savior... we can be forgiven.

kids, sex, and birth control

I was having a talk with one of my friends the other night... She is a Christian... Her husband left her a few years ago for another woman... and she is raising a 13yr old daughter all by herself. The dad... is gone... he doesnt want anything to do with the family now. Anywho... I was talking with her and we were talking about kids having sex. (obviously before marriage)
She said she was thinking about IF her daughter came to her and said that she was having sex... she would immediately get her on some sort of medical birth control (pill, patch, ring etc). And have a talk with her about sex, (again) the risks, and God. But she would definetely put her on birth control... just in case.
She was telling me her reasoning behind this.... if her daughter is willing to go out and have sex at least once.... there is a chance that she might do it again... (boys are very persuassive) and she would rather her be protected so there would be no unwanted pregnancy. Her cousin found out a month or so ago that their daughter had been having sex, got pregnant, and had an abortion... all with out her mothers knowledge. She found out from the mother of her daughters friend. The mother overheard the girls talking and called shortly afterward. She had told the mom that if it were her daughter, she would want to know. The cousin confronted her daughter about it and she just said that she was scared. She was 16 and wasnt ready for a baby and knew that they definetely couldnt afford to raise a kid. So she thought this was best. She hated herself for it, but didnt know what else to do.
My friend doesn't want be put in this same situation...
So I asked my friend... Dont you think that putting her on birth control (that can fail~i have proof!!) is kinda like saying.... well, i dont want you to do it... but here go ahead.

What is the right thing to do? In todays soceity more and more youth are having sex younger and younger... I was one of them. I was also one of the very lucky ones and didn't get pregnant till I was an adult (or mostly) and had a full time job and was able to take care of my son. (I also had a great boyfriend who stayed with me and was a great father and still is). But what is the right thing to do? Prepare them in every possible way... show them right from wrong... tell them what the bible says...what God says... but also prepare them for IF they decide to go out and do it too? I honestly don't know the right answer... I don't know what I am going to do when I am faced with that situation... What do you think is right? If it were your daughter... what would you do?

God has a plan

God has a plan... that has been a phase that has gotten me through so much. And it also seems to be my way of helping friends get through their own rough patches in life. God has a plan.

He has a plan, and even tho you may not be exactly where YOU want to be, He will place you exactly where HE WANTS you to be.

A good friend of mine was dating a lovely man for a few weeks. She is the type of person that falls hard and falls fast. She thought that he was the one. She thought that they were perfect for each other. And she thought that he felt the same. The this last Saturday he came over and said he wanted to talk. He told her that he did care about her, but he wasnt ready for dating. He just wanted to be friends. He had some issues from his past he wanted to work through and couldnt do that while dating her. She was heart broken. To make matters worse, she logged into facebook and see that he had changed his status to single... and here for dating. She just couldnt grasp this. He was perfect for her. He was the one she wanted to spend her life with... and he didnt feel the same... and now was on to find someone new. She came to me... I told her that he wasnt the one. That God brought that man into her life for a reason... she may not see it yet, and may never see the reason clearly, but there is a reason. She still didnt understand why she kept getting heartbroken. I told her maybe it was because the one person that God has already chosen for her has been so heartbroken too that you need to know what that is like to better be able to relate and understand and love this person just the way God intended. Also that maybe God is trying to get you to see HIM. When things go good in our life, we dont feel like we need anything, we can handle everything ourselfs... but when we are down, sad, depressed, hungry, tired, poor, weak whatever.. we realize that we can not do it alone... we need help. we need God.

No matter what is going on in my life, I turn to God. If its good- I praise and honestly even if its bad- I praise. I can see so many times in my life where if I hadn't gone thru the struggles, I wouldnt be where or who I am today.

5 years ago, I married my highschool sweetheart. 4months later we had seperated and a little over a year we were divorsed. Partying, drinking, and my friends were more important to me than my husband and at time my son. I was going out 3-4x a week partying, leaving my son at home with my parents... then one day a man came into my life- Travis. I kept on doing what I was doing. He told me he loved me and eventually I fell madly in love with him... and I changed. I stopped partying. I became a family person. I was there for him and I was there for my son again. Fast forward 2 years and we were seperated and I had a one year old by him... but I was still madly in love. He had my heart and he knew it and took advantage of it. I was always there for him but when I needed him... He was never there... He broke my heart beyond words could express... and because I was so down, I got down on my knees and gave my life over to Christ.
Now I havent been perfect since that point... but my life did change... and if it werent for Travis, I wouldnt be saved.

For about 2 years I had been praying to find a church. One that I would love, that I wouldnt fall asleep in (lol)and one that was a good Christian chruch. Well the thing with this was, I really didnt go out searching for a church. With 2 kids that are very clingy on to me, getting up and going to chruch with them just seemed very overwhelming. So needless to say, I didnt go very often. Then last summer I met a guy- Pete. We started dating and things were ok... but there were a lot of issues and a lot of warning signs that he wasnt someone I should spend my life with... so I eventually broke up with him. But before I did, one Sunday, I convinced him that I wanted to go to church so he took me to one that he had gone to bible study at years past. The chuch left a memerable mark in my head. The following Christmas I went there for their Christmas eve service and in January I started going there every Sunday and in Feb got baptised. God answered my prayer in a way that I didnt expect him to. And even though I hurt from this relationship with Pete, it was for good... I found a church. He was brought into my life for a reason.

I can see so many different ways that God has made things happen in my life for a purpose. He has a plan set out for me... a husband in mind... and even kids (if i am to have anymore) set aside for me... JUST ME. I may turn down a different path that He originally plowed for me, but he takes that new path that I am going on and plows it back back to the way he wants me to go.

He has a Plan.

*bing* and the light bulb turned on...

For at least the last 5years that I can remember everyonce in awhile I would get this overwhelming feeling of love... and normally when I felt this, I would immeidiately text my friends and tell them that I love them... or my boyfriend at the time...
Today at work, I am just sitting here and I got that feeling againg... but along with that feeling... I heard a voice say: thats not the love for you friends that you feel, its the love of God and the love for God.
Wow. It is amazing that it took me this long to figure something so simple out.

Praise Him!!

I am in love with my Lord!!

Patience

Patience is something I certainly lack.

I can see more and more everyday with different situations where God is teaching me patence. I am learning... slowly... to be more patient...

Growing up, my mom used to warn me all the time about praying for patience because if you did the Lord would give you a situation where your patience would be tested even farther. And for the longest time, I couldnt understand that. Why shouldn't I pray for something that I am seeking... Why would God punish me for praying for something by making life harder?! But I think I understand it now... when I prayed for patience, God answered. but not in the way that I thought He was going to. He gave me a harder situation. But he didnt do it to be cruel, as a punishment, or like He was saying "ahaha... u shoulda been happy with the situation that you had and learn to be patient then", He did it to make me stronger... to push me to my limits, so that when I would be put in another situation~ I would have patience.

I am learning that now. He is teaching me to be patient in life..
Psalms 37:7 Be still before the Lord and wait patiently for him;
do not fret when men succeed in their ways,
when they carry out their wicked schemes. (NIV)

One example:

My ex. lol. Last week, I didnt talk to him for 3 days. Which is very odd... Normally he texts me almost everyday... and he didnt... I started to worry that he was alright etc.. but honestly I really didnt want to text him. I am trying to stay away from him. Not call, not text, not invite him over. If he calls or text ill respond... but thats it... (which is another hard lesson im learning to do- keep my mouth shut)... so days went by and nothing... I really wanted to call him, especially late at night when my thoughts and emotions seem to catch up with me but I put the whole situation into God's hands. I was patient... and finally I talked to him and everything was alright... i worried for nothing....

Second example:

There is a gentleman that I find attractive, and have a small crush on. I see him once a week if that. But I dont want to make the first move with him, yet I do because I am impatient. I would like to at least go and have coffee with him to get to know him, but honestly I don't even know how he feels about me. So I am being patient. I am leaving it in God's hands. When the time is right (if it ever is) this gentleman will make a move in some way... and this is so hard because in most situations... I will make the first move if I like someone... but I know also that I have issues, my heart is not yet mended from my past so I am trust in my Lord with this situation. His Will, will be done... I will not be impatient and ruin something before it has even began... Its in His hands...

And i know it shouldnt be hard to put the worry and the anxiousness and the outcome of life in God's hands, it is for me. Its hard for me to just let things be and wait and be patient. But I know that the Lords will, will be done, no matter what I do as a mere human. I need to remember that is all that I am... a human. God's creation. He's the one incontrol. Not me. Things happen on His time, not mine.

2 IN ONE - CIRCLE AND BROKEN

Yesterday my pastor gave a wonderful sermon. He talked about so much that hit so close to my own heart that I wanted to share at least one part of it... and if He deems needed, I will continue on to the other part...
He was talking about him and his wife... when they first met, I guess they were having issues and weren't sure if they were right for each other or ment to be. (at least this is the way I understood it). But he went on to talk about how his wife was praying one day. Praying for guidence, praying for knowledge, praying for her and him... and she had a vision of a circle... God spoke to her. She seen herself and our paster on the outside of this circle, and God on the inside. God told her that the shortest distance to our pastor was straight across the circle- thru God. They could each keep trying to go around the circle - the long way around- and it would take forever -to reach each other fully- if they even made it that far... They only way they would truely and fully come together is thru God. If they both weren't in the center of that circle, if they weren't in God then they would have a long distance to each other to make the relationship work. They needed to find God first.
A quote that I love is : A woman's heart should be so hidden in God, that a man must first find God and know Him before he can find her heart. And the same thing goes the other way too... Each person's heart should be so hidden in God that no one can get to it unless they are hidden in God also.
I love this picture... the only way to true love, a good solid relationship is thru the center of the circle... thru God.

Ok.. the second part of this message is about brokeness. Our Paston was telling us about when he was younger how he had broken his wrist. And how he was feeling miserable because of it, in pain, couldnt do what he wanted to do etc... But he was also told that once the bone healed, it would be stronger than before he broke it. That is also true for us humans. When we are down, and feel broken, not worthy- God is there mending our wound and makeing us stronger (what doesn't kills us only make us stronger).

I know when I was dating my daughter's father... it was really hard for me. I loved this man whole heart and soul... more than I should have. And I know he loved me too but had his demons and couldn't show me the love than I needed... when we finally split up the 2nd time- it devestated me... it broke me. I felt worthless, unloved, like I had been fighting for nothing... over the next few months that followed that I faught with depression, didn't eat, didn't sleep... was on a roller coaster of emotions because of this man- one day he wanted me the next not... And one night, I was at my lowest... was so depressed, felt like I was worthless, like no one loved me, like I was completely alone in this world (now before certain people start leaving my comments that I wasnt- I know I wasn't alone that I did have friends and family but at 11oclock on a work night I am not going to start calling up people that I knew didnt understand where I was at or where I was coming from)... I was broken. And I called out to the Lord... I was on my knees, I apologized for my sins, I asked Jesus Christ in to my heart , my soul, my life.... and I became stronger. I was able to stand up to the man that hurt me so bad, I was able to start healing (which even to this day a year later, I still am not totally healed) I was stronger... because I was first broken.
When your sprit is broken- know the God is there, wanting to mend you, wanting to heal you, to make you stronger- You just have to let Him in.

Torn 2008

Torn inside
Between right and wrong
The good and the bad
Up and down
Happy and sad

Choosing between
Making the right choice
Thinking what is God's will
Or is this the devil's word
That's giving my head it's fill

Only thru time
And faith in my Lord
will my soul be finally at peace
Need to stay strong and faithful
To have this confustion cease