Just write what I feel

... that is what my boyfriend told me to do today... I told him that I felt like writing.. but I didnt know about what... a lot of my blogs seem to start out like that... I just feel like writing... :-)

Me and my boyfriend B had a great talk last night.... I feel like it brought me closer to him... which is scary... I will admit that I was trying to keep up a wall... cuz I dont want to be hurt anymore... I have delt with enough hurt in just the past 4 years that I dont want to go through it again... but then I also know that if I dont let him in... I will never be able to be happy. So I am.. little by little ... because he is a great guy... one of the best guys I have ever dated.

My hair is bugging me at the moment... I washed it last night, instead of this morning... and now its starting to get greasy and is just clinging to my neck.. and its bugging me! lol. I was thinking about getting it cut... a lot short.. but I also want to let it grow longer... tho the longest my hair has been that I can remember was just past my shoulders and that was about 5yrs ago..

Wow... I cant believe that its been 5yrs since I got divorsed! That still boggles my mind the way that time goes... and its been almost 5yrs since I met Travis... I look back... and so much of my past is focused around that point... The point when I met Travis... and then the relationship that devolped from that point... all the love... the hurt.. the pain.. the lonliness.. the the most precious lil baby girl ever... No man - no... NO ONE has ever hurt me the way that man did. My heart still aches just thinking about it all... I don't want to get into it today... but one good thing I can say tho... is if it wasnt for him... and the pain/lonliness/heartbreak that I felt... I wouldnt be saved... I know everyone always blames God when bad things happen.. when people die, when something horrific happens... but I dont... I know there is a plan behind it all.. I have seen it so much in my own life that it is crazy... sometimes I think you have to be LOW and on your knees to be able to realize that you need God in your life... that you can't do it all alone.. and you never have... God is there... I mean when you are at a high point in your life... do you really call out to God for thanks? for help? to praise?? But whats the first thing you think when you are Low?? why did God let this happen?? maybe so you would call to him once more? Thats my thoughts anyway.

Peys got a detention tonite for being late to school... I feel bad because I know part of it is my fault.. I need to get us up earlier in the mornings... and I have actually started to do that ! yay me! but Pey also has a hard time moving and remembering things in the mornings... so it slows us down a bit to..
I swear I dont know how I did it a couple years ago.. I would get myself up and dress, Pey dress and Sissy dressed in 20minutes!! I can't do that now!!
I need to get Sissy more into dressing herself in the mornings.. Pey was in 1st grade before he started doing it himself. I dont want to go thru that with her.. I want her to be more independent that her brother was. Its amazing how much things change from kid to kid... the more you know I guess! :-)
I got Pey signed up for Little League last week.. so that will be starting in May.. I can't wait.. I love watching him play baseball. I always have such a good time. This will be his first year playing baseball. The last 3 years he's played t-ball.. and he is always been really good. I cant wait to start throwing the ball around to him and helping him with all of that.
I am going to get Sissy signed up for gymnastics hopefully Monday or so. I think she will love it.. She is always bouncing around, doing flips, the splits, and kartwheels... so I think she will be good at it...
Pey was so cute last night.. My mom was talking about reading the bible.. and he was like well I dont read it very often cuz I dont understand things... So my mom told him that he can always ask me or call her with any questions... And he was like and it talked about the s word... My mom asked him ... whats the S word... He spelled it out S-E-X.. lmbo! He was like.. its nasty. LOL!! I was cracking up... My mom said that she hopes he keeps thinking like that till he's 16 or older... I hate to say it... but I dont. Not that I want him to go out and being having sex with all the lil girlys or anything... bbbbuuuutttt... I want him to be a normal teenage boy! I want him to want girls... and have the normal thoughts about them... and I hope that he will feel like he can come to me with any questions or anything in regards to all of that... (tho I have a feeling he wont becuase he is too self consious and afraid of how I would react.. either bad by getting upset.. or laughing cuz I find it funny). I think I knew about sex when I was around 5-6 yrs old.. I dont think I understood it completely.. but I knew... and I first understood about things when I was around 7 or8 because I think that was when I first masterbated.. TMI? lol. but anyway.. change of subject.

i am a little irritated tho... The bday gift I bought for my bf bday is still in processing.. I ordered it Sunday and it hasnt even shipped yet. :-( so I don't think he will get it by his birthday. I am sad now.. I know I should have ordered it earlier.. but honestly I didn't think of this till Saturday night/Sunday morning! I think he will like it anyway... even if it is late!



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guys??

Now you have to remember that this blog is written from a woman's point of view...

I was talking with my friend over the weekend. And she has been talking to this guy for a few weeks now, and really likes him. She's not sure how he feels. He's a manly man, and doesn't really talk about his feelings that much. She knows he doesn't want to rush into anything and really she doesn't either but also wants to know he feels... They have hung out a couple of time... and the last time that they hung out they ended up having sex. She felt really good about everything, even tho it had happened earlier than she thought it would or should. But it felt right.
Then the next few days that followed... He seemed more distant. And maybe it was just that he was busy or something... but he didn't call as much, he didn't text as much. And when he did, it was distant. So now she's worrying that maybe that was all he really wanted to get laid and be done... That he doesn't feel the same way she does. But then maybe she is putting the horse before the carriage and just thinking way to much for everything.

But sex is kinda a big thing... unless maybe it put out there in the first place where both parties stand... like if its just a friendship thing and that's all it will ever be. But when one party is thinking that maybe there is more than there is one person is going to get hurt.
So I am sitting here thinking/wondering... do guys feel like this? Do guys feel the emotional connection from sex that women do? Do they get caught up in the moments and feel more than they let on?

Why can't guys after they have had sex with a girl... try and do a lil bit more than he has to show her that it wasn't just a great lay... and now he's done. That there is more in his heart than what is in his pants. I know girls are complicated... and maybe we should band together and make a instruction manual up for men so they know how to treat a woman!
Be sweet, compliment, show interest, text randomly thru out the day, leave sweet messages- on phone, email,facebook, myspace, wherever, flowers, candy, balloons... anything that will make the girl know that she was more than just sex. You see more to her than just what she's got going on under all her clothes.

Whats your opinion?

Karma

Ok...
I have heard of the whole karma thing.. and what goes around comes around... and I am definetely living proof of that... but how long do i have to pay for my past mistakes???

With my ex husband is when i made most if not all of my huge mistakes...
I cheated on him, i lied to him, and I hurt him severely...
And for the past 3 years... I feel like I am paying for all of those mistakes.

In my last relationship with my daughters father... I was miserable for most of it... (and for some stupid reason... he was my first real true love-stupid i know)...
He would do so many of the things that I did to my ex husband... like make me beg for sex... I rarely ever wanted to have sex when I was with my ex husband... and so we did once in a while... maybe once a week or a little bit more... and it was to please him... With my daughters father... it was about the same... only it was always me initiating having sex with him... me begging him for it... and then I only got it maybe once a week... if i was lucky...
and that is just one example...

so now i am wondering... if everything that i do... going to come back to haunt me... will i always get my ass kicked by karma? because even till this day... i feel like i still am... I still see things that i did to him (the sneekiness, the lying, the makin excuses for things)...
and i know i was a bitch to my ex-husband... and i regret the way i did him and how much i hurt him... but should i have to pay for the rest of my life for those mistakes??

falling...

i think i am finally letting go. finally falling in love again...
i think i was trying to look for reason not too
i think i was trying to look for any little sign
i think i was trying to have a reason to condem him
i think i was trying to not even give him a chance...
i think my heart has opened up a lil more
i think it was just this past weekend
i think i realized how much i do care
i think i realized how great of a guy he his
i think i realize that he is human and has his flaws
i think i know i can get over some
i ithink i am finally letting go
and i think i am finally falling in love again...