depression and new years. they both suck

Depression.

Maybe from my previous post thru out the past year or two you have come to know that I fight with depression.   

It’s been pretty good the last few months… Haven’t been too depressed. Ill have a day here or there where I feel down… but that’s about it and it’s normally because I haven’t got enough sleep from the night before.

Well this week, I am feeling depressed. And it’s strong. I don’t know if it’s because I am tired or if I am tired because of the depression… but I feel exhausted.   

One thing that I hate about being depressed is that I rarely know why.  I’m not depressed because I am alone/single. I am not depressed because it’s the holidays and I have recently or ever lost a loved one.

I mean when I am depressed I end up disliking where I am in life. That I haven’t’ accomplished more, that I am still not married, that I am still struggling with bills, kids, life.  That I am not as secure financially, mentally, spiritually, physically as I see other people. But I don’t think that’s the reason I am depressed, because the day before I was content with what I have… I think it just kinda adds fuel to the fire. L

I don’t really know what triggers it. One day I can be completely fine and then the next, I wake up and I just don’t want to face no one. I want to stay in bed.  There has even been days – like yesterday- where I am fine all day then *boom* , I am depressed.

This week I am blaming it on New Years. I really dislike New Years.  I am not completely sure why… it’s started when I was younger… I say it’s because I really haven’t ever had a GREAT new years… I mean I’ve had good ones… but nothing ever consistent…ill have ONE good year… then a bunch of sucky.  It really stinks… 

This week my BF had to go home too because he started back to work yesterday. So I think that is also apart of my depression. And my house is tore up still from Christmas!! UGH! I HATE a tore up house. 

I am actually feeling a little bit better as I write this and also I went to the bathroom and as I was in there, I felt the Lord.  It was like he gave me a hug and said He’s here for me. Everything will be ok.  I love that!! J

God Bless

Overthinking Mama

New Years Eve sucks

 Well its NEW YEARS week.  The very last week of 2010. I am going to try and focus on New Years past, present, and future.  

Today we will talk about my past New Years Eves.

If you have read previous posts, you will have learned that I hate New Years Eve. I always get really depressed and I’m not completely sure why. Ive been like this since I was at least 12 years old. L 

I was thinking last week- that I haven’t spent New Years Eve with a significant other in 5year!!  That’s crazy! 

(2005)The last good new years that I can remember was with my duaghter’s father. It was our first New Years. I went all out (seems that became a trend for me because he sure as hell never did).  I got us a hotel room because I was living at home and well he was living with his wife (I know I was horrible for that).  I went and bought a radio to have music, a crap ton of candles to set the mood, alcohol for drinks and even new fancy glasses to drink out of. I also went a got roses and put rose pedals all over the bed and the floor and of course got us some dinner. It was perfect. 

(2006)Funny thing… we dated for a year and a half after that. (he divorce his wife shortly after we started dating) and had one more New Year’s Eve together… which we spent separately because he got into a pissy mood and refused to go with me to my Dad’s. I refused to just stay at home. So we each sat at our different houses, text arguing back and forth all. Night. Long. It sucked.

(2007) I decided to have a party this year for New Year’s Eve. I invited my daughter’s father because I was still in love with him and he had been talking about us getting back together and whatnot. I invited my BFF and her boyfriend and my other BFF and his girlfriend and also a bunch of other friends. My mom made a bunch of food. I bought some alchol and figure it would be a fun filled night. I was wrong. My one BFF came with his girlfriend and her friend. And my ex came too and spend the entire night flirting with the friend and practically ignoring me.  My friend Pam came and another friends Tina and Tom. At midnight everyone had someone it seemed and the one person I wanted to at least hug me… again completely ignored me.  As everyone was leaving I asked him to stay the night. I really didn’t want to be alone. At.All. I was so depressed. He said NO and left.  I ended up going to my mom’s  and staying the night there since my kids were there. I couldn’t be alone.

(2008) I spent New Years Eve with my kids and my daughter’s sister’s mom and family and friends.  It was a lot of fun. I really enjoyed myself that year. After her party we went home and me and Lil man shot off fireworks! Then came in had some snacks and watched a movie.  All in all a pretty good new year.

(2009) This year was… well. A mix.  My daughter’s father (yea him again) for the previous 2 months had been begging me to be with him again. He screwed up and would do whatever it too to make it all right. I told him fine. We had to go to counseling. He said ok… I gave him the name and number to call. He didn’t. He then said he was confused and scared.  I told him I would give him till New Years Eve. He never called. I wasn’t worth it to him.  I spent New years’s eve first out to dinner with my mom and family and then went to a party with my dad. It was fun. But I couldn’t shake the “im not good enough. I am not worth its” feeling that I had. 

This year. I am hoping and am pretty sure will be a great one. My bf will be here. I will have both my kiddo’s. Still not really sure what we are going to do yet.  My dad invited us to that party that we went to last year (if they go). So there’s that option. I might just have us stay at home and watch movies and act like its just another day…  I dunno. I guess we shall see… 

God Bless

Overthinking Mama 

Happy New Year!

Well as we say Good bye to 2009 and hello to 2010... it time for me to over think and reminisce about the past year...
As weird as it is... a lot of things have happened.. and yet in someways I still feel like I am right back where I was this time last New Years...

Lets see all that has happened in 2009...

Started going to church at Harvest Ridge :-)
Got baptised.
Turned 27 :-)
Became closer to my best friend and then eventually started dating... then back to being friends.
Started going to Life Group.
Got one step closer to gettin away from an ex.
Helped my sister move to Columbus
Started with Tastefully Simple
Had to deal with situations that weren't pleasant.. but turned out alright
Met some really great people.

Over the past year... my mentality has changed tho... I have focus more on my relationship with the Lord... and there was a time where I took my focus off that and moved it on to worldly things... but its back on the Lord and I think is stronger than ever.

I say I am in the same place as I was last year because I am still single... still struggling day to day with many thing... bills, kids, work, life... and I was hoping by this time I would have found someone.. but that is not in Gods plans just yet... but I do know that he has a great man out there for me.. its just a matter of time.. HIS time.. not mine...

My new years resolution is to move forward in my life... to quit turning around and focusing on things from my past... past love, past hurt, past mistakes, past rewards... I need to focus on God and the future... there is too many issues from my past that I take with my day to day... and I need to stay away from all of that and focus on my future and the plan that God has for me... I am not really sure what that is or where exactly I am going... but I have faith and it will be all good because it will be in the Lord.

So heres too 2010 being the best year yet... focusing on the Lord in all you do... Praise HIM for all.. good and bad. dont expect every prayer to be answered.. but for the right prayers to be answered... He knows what he is doing... He sees the bigger picture in ways you cant even imagine... Better your relationship with the Lord... even if it just starts with an "im sorry"

God Bless you and yours in 2010!