Just write what I feel

... that is what my boyfriend told me to do today... I told him that I felt like writing.. but I didnt know about what... a lot of my blogs seem to start out like that... I just feel like writing... :-)

Me and my boyfriend B had a great talk last night.... I feel like it brought me closer to him... which is scary... I will admit that I was trying to keep up a wall... cuz I dont want to be hurt anymore... I have delt with enough hurt in just the past 4 years that I dont want to go through it again... but then I also know that if I dont let him in... I will never be able to be happy. So I am.. little by little ... because he is a great guy... one of the best guys I have ever dated.

My hair is bugging me at the moment... I washed it last night, instead of this morning... and now its starting to get greasy and is just clinging to my neck.. and its bugging me! lol. I was thinking about getting it cut... a lot short.. but I also want to let it grow longer... tho the longest my hair has been that I can remember was just past my shoulders and that was about 5yrs ago..

Wow... I cant believe that its been 5yrs since I got divorsed! That still boggles my mind the way that time goes... and its been almost 5yrs since I met Travis... I look back... and so much of my past is focused around that point... The point when I met Travis... and then the relationship that devolped from that point... all the love... the hurt.. the pain.. the lonliness.. the the most precious lil baby girl ever... No man - no... NO ONE has ever hurt me the way that man did. My heart still aches just thinking about it all... I don't want to get into it today... but one good thing I can say tho... is if it wasnt for him... and the pain/lonliness/heartbreak that I felt... I wouldnt be saved... I know everyone always blames God when bad things happen.. when people die, when something horrific happens... but I dont... I know there is a plan behind it all.. I have seen it so much in my own life that it is crazy... sometimes I think you have to be LOW and on your knees to be able to realize that you need God in your life... that you can't do it all alone.. and you never have... God is there... I mean when you are at a high point in your life... do you really call out to God for thanks? for help? to praise?? But whats the first thing you think when you are Low?? why did God let this happen?? maybe so you would call to him once more? Thats my thoughts anyway.

Peys got a detention tonite for being late to school... I feel bad because I know part of it is my fault.. I need to get us up earlier in the mornings... and I have actually started to do that ! yay me! but Pey also has a hard time moving and remembering things in the mornings... so it slows us down a bit to..
I swear I dont know how I did it a couple years ago.. I would get myself up and dress, Pey dress and Sissy dressed in 20minutes!! I can't do that now!!
I need to get Sissy more into dressing herself in the mornings.. Pey was in 1st grade before he started doing it himself. I dont want to go thru that with her.. I want her to be more independent that her brother was. Its amazing how much things change from kid to kid... the more you know I guess! :-)
I got Pey signed up for Little League last week.. so that will be starting in May.. I can't wait.. I love watching him play baseball. I always have such a good time. This will be his first year playing baseball. The last 3 years he's played t-ball.. and he is always been really good. I cant wait to start throwing the ball around to him and helping him with all of that.
I am going to get Sissy signed up for gymnastics hopefully Monday or so. I think she will love it.. She is always bouncing around, doing flips, the splits, and kartwheels... so I think she will be good at it...
Pey was so cute last night.. My mom was talking about reading the bible.. and he was like well I dont read it very often cuz I dont understand things... So my mom told him that he can always ask me or call her with any questions... And he was like and it talked about the s word... My mom asked him ... whats the S word... He spelled it out S-E-X.. lmbo! He was like.. its nasty. LOL!! I was cracking up... My mom said that she hopes he keeps thinking like that till he's 16 or older... I hate to say it... but I dont. Not that I want him to go out and being having sex with all the lil girlys or anything... bbbbuuuutttt... I want him to be a normal teenage boy! I want him to want girls... and have the normal thoughts about them... and I hope that he will feel like he can come to me with any questions or anything in regards to all of that... (tho I have a feeling he wont becuase he is too self consious and afraid of how I would react.. either bad by getting upset.. or laughing cuz I find it funny). I think I knew about sex when I was around 5-6 yrs old.. I dont think I understood it completely.. but I knew... and I first understood about things when I was around 7 or8 because I think that was when I first masterbated.. TMI? lol. but anyway.. change of subject.

i am a little irritated tho... The bday gift I bought for my bf bday is still in processing.. I ordered it Sunday and it hasnt even shipped yet. :-( so I don't think he will get it by his birthday. I am sad now.. I know I should have ordered it earlier.. but honestly I didn't think of this till Saturday night/Sunday morning! I think he will like it anyway... even if it is late!



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importance

I have come to realize... I need to feel important in my life..
In my relationship right now... I don't feel like I am of much importance... kinda like in my job I have right now.. I don't feel like i am important.

In my job, I didn't realize i felt that way till yesterday... I actually had something that I was needed for. I mean granted it wasn't something that anyone else couldn't have handled, but it was given to me to handle.. and I did. It felt good. It felt good to be needed.

In my relationship, I don't feel important. I joke that I feel like I am not so much a girl friend, but I am just a glorified friend. I dunno. Maybe I am wrong.. Maybe its just me. But I have never felt like this in any other relationship. I have never had to question my worth. Even in a relationship where I was pretty positive the guy was cheating on me... He still made me feel like he wanted to be around me, like I was meaningful in his life... Right now, I don't feel like that with my boyfriend. Ex: Yesterday, he spent the day with his cousin and his friends... I barely heard from him. I did in the morning when we seen each other driving past... and then when I would text him, he'd reply back. But that was pretty much it... till I went to be and finally got him to call me... and talk just for a few moments because all of his friend were down stairs.. So that was it. And this isn't a first time. I always feel like when he gets around his friends, I am a past thought in his mind... it used to not be like. When we were first dating, he would always text me when he was out with his friends, he used to text me and tell me how much he cared about me, how great I am, etc... We have only been dating for 3 months... Should this have changed already. He is always telling me (normally after I say something) that he does love me very much, he does care about me, that I am very important to him... but if he doesn't show it... words are meaningless...

Am I wrong for wanting him to text me more, to act like he actually is thinking of me, that he is actually still deeply in love with me?
Am I wrong for feeling like I am not important?
Is this just the way a relationship is??

I have never felt like this in any other relationship... the guys have always text me thru out the say or called me or had some kinda interaction with me thru out a day... on a daily basis. Is it wrong for me to want that?? I feel like he would be completely fine not talking me an entire day...