The girl I want to be...

This is something that has been weighing on my heart lately.  And since this is my place to vent… here it goes.  I am not sure even if I will publish this in the end or not.. but at least its out there. I’ve said it. I can get these ping pong balls out of my head… even if its just for the time it takes me to write this.

I am a Christian.

Though sometimes I feel like if you looked at me you wouldn’t think so.  I feel like a fake.  I love Jesus.  My heart revolves around him.  Except, when my boyfriend is around.  Then my heart is all his.  And I hate myself for that. I want both of our hearts to revolve around Jesus and then each other. But they don’t. 

We are at two different place spiritually.  Two very very different places. He believes in God, but not to the point of worship. I am not even sure if he prays. Its just not something that we really talk about, and I am not sure why.  Me? I am saved, I have been baptized, I pray, I talk, everyone who knows me, who’s how I feel about God.  I don’t hide that.  But this one aspect of my life, feels dark, not true. 

I am having sex with him. We ain’t married.. we are not even engaged.  I feel wrong about that too.  But I can’t stop.  I gave into the lust that I felt and now I feel like I can’t turn back.

I drink. And too much on occasion. I don’t act wild and stupid and crazy most of the time, though I have had my moments where I have danced on the bar and shaked my booty… even after I have been saved.  

I feel like I have a struggle going on inside me.  Between the person I was and the person I want to be.  

I was the girl who was quiet and reserved. The girl who was shy and lacked self confidence. I was the girl who after a couple drinks would be the first one out on the dance floor just wanting to have a good time and not having a care in the world.  I was the girl who loved getting attention because growing up, I never received it (from boys). I was the girl who ended up cheating on her husband and then going home and looking him in the face and telling him I loved him, because I did. It was myself that I didn’t love. 

I don’t want to be that girl anymore.

I want to be the girl who’s life revolves around God. That every aspect of my life does. That I can go out and have a drink or two and be fine, not have to keep drinking or even have a drink to have fun.  I want to be a happy wife and a mother, a friend, a Christian.  I want to have a big family and I want to adopt part of that family.  I want to pray together as a family and not just at meal time or bed time… but any time.   I don’t want to be a hypocrite.  I want to be the girl that God has made me to be.  

But I am human and I keep slipping back to the way I was and part of me hates myself for that. I can do better.  

God Bless

Overthinking Mama 

am i a Christian?

This has been a post that has been weighing on my heart to write.. I just never was able to get it from my brain to my finger tips... I am going to attempt to do that today. Hopefully even with all of the distractions I can get this out..and it be understandable to you. :-) 


I am a Christian. I was saved about 2years ago.  I still remember the night perfectly. I am not going to go into it on this post.. You can read about it here.  (at least I think thats the right link).   The thing I struggle most with... What makes a Christian a Christian?  or at least a good Christian.   Is there a check list or something that you can go through and see what the requirements are?   Do you have to be saved? Do you have to just believe in Jesus as our Saviour? Do you have to pray? Do you have to read the bible, go to church, not cuss, drink, no pre-marital sex, no dirty thoughts etc...  


What can you do and not do as a Christian? Is there a right way or a wrong way? 


As you probably know from reading my posts... I over think EVERYTHING. This is no different.. I over analyze myself.. my thoughts.. my actions.. and sometimes those of others... and sadly sometimes I do judge others too...  Like if I see a person who claims they are a Christian, go into a bar and have a drink... I think to myself.. yea they can't be a Christian and drink!!!  but wait.. I do that. Or they smoke weed or do any other various drugs.. they can't be a Christian.  Or they are living with someone and aint married... Or they swear non-stop..  ok. you get the idea...   And I am sure other Christian's judge me too based on what I do or say on if I am a "real" Christian or not.


I guess my biggest thing is...  deep down I believe I am a Christian.. yea.. I do a lot of things that on the outside don't look very "Christian" to some... but does that really mean Im not? And one of my fears is that... just becuase I believe I am a Christian.. does that really mean I am? Am I saved?   
I know my mom would say that its the Devil making me feel this way... and maybe it is.. but it is still a concern I have.. and I am sure that there is others out there that think the same way.   


I guess all I can do is be..  I love the Lord, whole heart and soul...  Yea, in the last few months my close relationship with Him has taken a side seat to life. But I want to do better... I have a plan set up and I will get back to the closeness that I had with Him.  I am sure that I will always have doubts about myself... as I do in every aspect of my life... but I know my heart. and I guess that is all that matters... 

Going to church

This is something that I have been bouncing around in my head for the last few days/weeks... and I guess its time to get it out in writing... I pray the Lord guides my words and my thoughts through-out this posting.

My boyfriend and I just this week actually had a little bit of a talk about this..

He was telling me that he grew up in Church... Went every Sunday with his mom... went to Sunday school.. etc.. but he hasn't been to church in years... not because he doesnt believe but because he doesn't feel completely right about sinning all week long... then going to church and acting holier than thou.

OK... NOW TO FINISH THIS... 
I started this post probably about 3 or 4 weeks ago... maybe I can finish it up today?! or at least this week! lol. 

Ok... So the BF was saying that he doesnt like to go to church because he doesnt feel like its right... like you sin all week long and then you go to church and pretend that you are something that you are not.  I completely understand that. I have had a lot of people tell me that same exact excuse including my ex... but I can not say that is how I feel.  I understand where they are coming from... but I believe that church is more than just going and pretending or about being perfect. 

I know I am FAR from perfect.. I have never once said I was perfect... and I will be one of the first people to tell you my sins and my inperfections...   My biggest sins... I sleep with a man that I am not married to. I drink. (now I dont believe there is anything wrong with drinking nor that it is a sin... as long as it is in moderation..). I curse. I have lied. I have thoughts that I shouldnt have. I get jealous over things/covet what other have... etc...  there are more... My past especially is lined with sin after sin...   
Now... even tho I do sin... I still (tho not recently) go to church on a regular basis. I normally go to church ever Sunday.  But I don't go in there pretending that I am perfect or that when I leave there I won't sin again.  I go there to worship the Lord... I go to worship in a way that I can't at home.   
Just this past Sunday... my pastor was talking about being inperfect... and what the bible says and living the "biblical way" and that no one does... including him...  He mentioned on part that stuck out in my head... There is a passage in the bible that talks about if your neighbor hits your right check.. turn your head and let him hit the left... in other words... do not retaliate.  My pastor was like "if someone hits me... I am going to hit them back".  He went on to say that some of the "laws and rules" rules in the bible can't always apply to life today.   And that no one is perfect. 

I don't go to church to pretend I am someone I am not... I go to worship.... worship as a sinner... worship as me.  I am saved... but I still do sin... and sometimes I knowingly sin.  But I also know that I try. I am a good person. I try my hardest not to hurt anyone. I try not to judge anyone... I am there for others... I am not malisious... I believe in God. I believe in Jesus Christ. I read the bible. I pray all the time. I am not ashamed of being a Christian.   I dont know if when the day comes when Jesus comes to take his children, if I will be one of them... because I still do sin... I still am far from perfect... but I believe that I have a pretty good chance... The Lord knows my heart. that is what matters I think.  Not that I went to church as a sinner... but that I love the Lord whole heart and soul.   

What is your thought on this?   

being a Christian... its hard sometimes

it is hard being a Christian today.... in this society...
Sometimes not being a Christian would be so much easier... seriously... it really would be...
*gasp.. a Christian girl said its easier not to be a Christian.*

Honestly, this blog has been rolling around in my head for days as certain different situation arise in my life...

I try my hardest to be a "good" Christian... even tho daily watching other people who say they are Christians (via facebook, twitter, myspace, and real life), I sometimes wonder how good I actually am...

Almost daily I face many struggles that people do not realize... or maybe they do because I blog about my issues... I tweet about my frustrations, and I publicize my life on facebook....

But deep down... I struggle.
I wonder sometimes if being a Christian is the right way to go.. I mean there other religions out there... is Jesus the right way?? Deep down in my heart of hearts... I think Jesus is the only way... but i do wonder from time to time... what if...
I struggle with being "normal" in this society... going out drinking with my friends regularly, having sex before marriage (obviously i struggled a lot with this), putting myself first: being selfish, having lustful thoughts... Over all just living life like a normal 27yr old... but then again.. I always wanted to be different.

I would love to be able to go out with my friends and get "trashed" and party it up... It would be a lot easier than sitting at home with my kids reading my bible...

I would love to be able to just date any guy out there... and not worry about his morals and his religious beliefs.. oh that would make life so much more easier.

I would like to be able to think about that guy across the room... and how hot he is... and oh what I would love to be able to do with him if we were alone..

It would be nice to not have to live up to a certain "standard" that people put on me because I am a Christian... and I don't blame them... I do the same thing.

I struggle with knowing what is right and what is wrong in the Christian world.

Is it wrong to go out to a bar? If that is ok...
is it wrong to drink? If that is ok...
how many drinks are too many?
Is it ok to get drunk and act normal?
Is it ok to dance provocatively?
Is it ok to dance at all?
Is it ok to swear?
Is it ok to watch/read/listen to music/be around people where you hear swearing in every other word?
Is it ok to hate your job?
Is it ok to not "do your job" the whole 8hrs your are there?
Is it ok to not read your bible every single day?
Is it ok to not pray 24/7?
Is it ok to smoke?
Is it ok to do drugs?
Is it ok to live with a person you love w/o being married?
Is it ok to have sex with a person you are in love with w/o being married?
Is it ok to fight/argue?
Is it ok to "air" your business on any social network site?

and the list goes on and on...

Now I know the bible has certain verses that pertain to some of these... and a lot of these verses can be taken many different ways... for and against.

I believe in Jesus Christ... I believe that He came, sacrificed himself so that we may go to heaven. I believe that without a shadow of doubt in my head.
Yea sometimes it would just be easier to turn toward the easier path that society has created... and there have been times that I was weak and did go that way... strayed off the "right" path many many times... and I am sure I will again. Does that make me a bad Christian??

It would be easier to act wild and crazy... to be promiscuous... to drown my sorrows in alcohol, men and/or drugs...

But honestly... I would rather not....

I want to be a Christian.
I enjoy not being "trashed" when I go and hang out with my friends and then being hung over and feeling like crap the next day.
Yes, I swear from time to time... I try my hardest not too.. but it does slip out.
Yes, I enjoy having a couple drinks from time to time... (and normally pay for it if I have 1 too many... but don't take that as I am crazy drunk or anything like that)
And yes I struggle with sexual ideas, sex and anything to do with that... (i would say that my biggest issue lol)

I am not a perfect person... but I am still a Christian... is that possible??!! yes.. we are human... and only human... we fall short of perfection... EVERYONE does...

I still struggle day to day with my things that go thru my mind, my heart and also my actions... and I am sure even by my peers I will be judged for it all... I will survive...

My heart belongs to the Lord. period.