As I was in the shower tonite... I decided it was time I wrote this post...
I was emotionally abused in a past relationship.
What is emotional abuse?
From: Steve Hein http://eqi.org/eabuse1.htm#What%20is%20Emotional%20Abuse?
What is Emotional Abuse?
Abuse is any behavior that is designed to control and subjugate another human being through the use of fear, humiliation, intimidation, guilt, coercion, manipulation etc. Emotional abuse is any kind of abuse that is emotional rather than physical in nature. It can include anything from verbal abuse and constant criticism to more subtle tactics, such as repeated disapproval or even the refusal to ever be pleased.
Emotional abuse is like brain washing in that it systematically wears away at the victim's self-confidence, sense of self-worth, trust in their own perceptions, and self-concept. Whether it is done by constant berating and belittling, by intimidation, or under the guise of "guidance," "teaching", or "advice," the results are similar. Eventually, the recipient of the abuse loses all sense of self and remnants of personal value. Emotional abuse cuts to the very core of a person, creating scars that may be far deeper and more lasting that physical ones. In fact there is research to this effect. With emotional abuse, the insults, insinuations, criticism and accusations slowly eat away at the victim's self-esteem until she is incapable of judging the situation realistically. She has become so beaten down emotionally that she blames herself for the abuse. Her self-esteem is so low that she clings to the abuser.
Emotional abuse victims can become so convinced that they are worthless that they believe that no one else could want them. They stay in abusive situations because they believe they have nowhere else to go. Their ultimate fear is being all alone.
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Types of Emotional Abuse
Abusive Expectations
The other person places unreasonable demands on you and wants you to put everything else aside to tend to their needs.
It could be a demand for constant attention, or a requirement that you spend all your free time with the person.
But no matter how much you give, it's never enough.
You are subjected to constant criticism, and you are constantly berated because you don't fulfill all this person's needs.
Aggressing
Aggressive forms of abuse include name-calling, accusing, blaming, threatening, and ordering. Aggressing behaviors are generally direct and obvious. The one-up position the abuser assumes by attempting to judge or invalidate the recipient undermines the equality and autonomy that are essential to healthy adult relationships. This parent-child pattern of communication (which is common to all forms of verbal abuse) is most obvious when the abuser takes an aggressive stance.
Aggressive abuse can also take a more indirect form and may even be disguised and "helping." Criticizing, advising, offering solutions, analyzing, proving, and questioning another person may be a sincere attempt to help. In some instances however, these behaviors may be an attempt to belittle, control, or demean rather than help. The underlying judgmental "I know best" tone the abuser takes in these situations is inappropriate and creates unequal footing in peer relationships. This and other types of emotional abuse can lead to what is known as learned helplessness.
Constant Chaos
The other person may deliberately start arguments and be in constant conflict with others.
The person may be "addicted to drama" since it creates excitement.
Denying
Denying a person's emotional needs, especially when they feel that need the most, and done with the intent of hurting, punishing or humiliating (Examples)
The other person may deny that certain events occurred or that certain things were said. confronts the abuser about an incident of name calling, the abuser may insist, "I never said that," "I don't know what you're talking about," etc. You know differently.
The other person may deny your perceptions, memory and very sanity.
Withholding is another form of denying. Withholding includes refusing to listen, refusing to communicate, and emotionally withdrawing as punishment. This is sometimes called the "silent treatment."
When the abuser disallows and overrules any viewpoints, perceptions or feelings which differ from their own.
Denying can be particularly damaging. In addition to lowering self-esteem and creating conflict, the invalidation of reality, feelings, and experiences can eventually lead you to question and mistrust your own perceptions and emotional experience.
Denying and other forms of emotional abuse can cause you to lose confidence in your most valuable survival tool: your own mind.
Dominating
Someone wants to control your every action. They have to have their own way, and will resort to threats to get it.
When you allow someone else to dominate you, you can lose respect for yourself.
Emotional Blackmail
The other person plays on your fear, guilt, compassion, values, or other "hot buttons" to get what they want.
This could include threats to end the relationship, totally reject or abandon you, giving you the the "cold shoulder," or using other fear tactics to control you.
Invalidation
The abuser seeks to distort or undermine the recipient's perceptions of their world. Invalidating occurs when the abuser refuses or fails to acknowledge reality. For example, if the recipient tells the person they felt hurt by something the abuser did or said, the abuser might say "You are too sensitive. That shouldn't hurt you." Here is a much more complete description of invalidation
Minimizing
Minimizing is a less extreme form of denial. When minimizing, the abuser may not deny that a particular event occurred, but they question the recipient's emotional experience or reaction to an event. Statements such as "You're too sensitive," "You're exaggerating," or "You're blowing this out of proportion" all suggest that the recipient's emotions and perceptions are faulty and not be trusted.
Trivializing, which occurs when the abuser suggests that what you have done or communicated is inconsequential or unimportant, is a more subtle form of minimizing.
Unpredictable Responses
Drastic mood changes or sudden emotional outbursts. Whenever someone in your life reacts very differently at different times to the same behavior from you, tells you one thing one day and the opposite the next, or likes something you do one day and hates it the next, you are being abused with unpredictable responses.
This behavior is damaging because it puts you always on edge. You're always waiting for the other shoe to drop, and you can never know what's expected of you. You must remain hypervigilant, waiting for the other person's next outburst or change of mood.
An alcoholic or drug abuser is likely to act this way. Living with someone like this is tremendously demanding and anxiety provoking, causing the abused person to feel constantly frightened, unsettled and off balance.
Verbal Assaults
Berating, belittling, criticizing, name calling, screaming, threatening
Excessive blaming, and using sarcasm and humiliation.
Blowing your flaws out of proportion and making fun of you in front of others. Over time, this type of abuse erodes your sense of self confidence and self-worth.
A man I was completely in love with did this too me.. I didnt even know what it was.. or that there was even a such thing as emotional abuse... and honestly if someone would have told me about it... I wouldnt think too much of it and say... "oh I would never let it happen to me"... but it did... and I didnt even realize it all that much till it was all over and done with... and the sad thing is... I still love this man...
Now I am not saying he is all bad or anything like.. and I dont completely put the blame on him... I believe a lot of how you act as an adult is how you were raised as a child. This man didn't have the best situation growing up... He wasnt raised by either parent and never see a "happy marriage" and how a relationship works. He was raised by an aunt who was single and never dated. He didnt see how a man was to treat a woman... but.. he is also not completely innocent in the whole ordeal... He is still a grown man and can see how his actions can cause hurt and pain.. and he still does them time after time...
I am not writing this to get sympathy or anything like that.. I am writing this for a couple of reasons... one to help me with my healing proces.... I still have a lot of scars that havent healed and they are still reopened from time to time and I still deal with the pain of all of it.. Two, just so that my story is out there.. maybe someone else is dealing with it and doesnt even realize what is going on.. or knows someone... or even is the person that is doing this to someone else and doesnt even realize that what they are doing is hurtful and abusive...
I met this man years ago... and he came into my life exactly when I needed him too.. but I have learned that God seems to work like that... I fell in love with this man... whole heart and all... I wanted to spend the rest of my life with this man... and of course he told me the same thing... eventually we moved in together... and as I look back... things just kinda went down hill from there... now dont get me wrong.. there was a lot of wonderful times with this man... and I think that is why I delt with it all as well as I did.
The first thing about this man ... he was possessive... and at the time I didnt realize it... (there are a lot of things that I didnt realize at the time). after me and him started dating... I pretty much stopped talking to most of my friends and a lot of my family... the few family memebers I did still talk with... he always thought I was going to leave him because of what they might tell me... He always thought I was going to cheat on him, find someone better than him, or leave him for whatever other reason... I would get calls/text/emails all day long while we both were at work asking me if I was going to do any of those things.... I of course constantly told him no and tried to reassure him... I understood why he might have some of those thougts because i did cheat on my husband before i met him.... but I was bound and determined NOT to be that person I would not do that again... so in order to prove to him this... I stopped talking and hanging out with most of the people in my life...
The rare times that I see my friends... he gave me the 3rd degree to find out what we did, what was said, etc... and the entire time I would be gone, he would be texting me something...
another thing was that he didnt like to make love to me... becuase of this.. I was always thinking that there was something wrong with me... he didnt find me attractive... he didnt love me... i wasnt good enough... making love to me is more than just the sex... its about the connection.. its about becoming one person... its about having a intimate way to express the love and devotion you have for another person.. so if i had to practically beg for him to make love to me.... it made me feel less of a person. but also.. when we did finally make love... it was so incredible. I would just feel so much love that I would forget about having to beg him... it made me feel like it was worth me feeling like nothing just for that moment of "oneness and love" with him..
He wasnt a lovey touchy feely type person... at least not as much as I wanted him to be. I am. When I am in love with someone I am constantly wanting to show them, express to them, how I feel... if its a hug, a kiss, holding their hands, a look, anything to remind them I love them... When I would try and do this to him... He would push me away... turn his head... or something... now it wasnt all the time... but it was often enuf that it hurt...
Then theres the guilt... The guilt that he didnt have the freinds i did. The guilt of my past.. the guilt of the people in my life (coworkers, family etc) The guilt that I might one day leave him and find someone better. The guilt that I had a life before him... That I shoulnt have ever slept with anyone else.. the guilt that I shouldnt have drank and partied... the guilt that I want to still have part of the life that I had before him... as in going out with my friends and having a good time...
Now again dont get me wrong... he wasnt like this all the time... we had our wonderful moments where he would suprise me with little gifts, or emails or text messages saying how much he loved me and how he wanted to spend the rest of his life with me...
And I think that is the part I am still stuck on at time.... the part that makes me still love him...
The part of him that is the man I want him to be... but in reality... its not...
I think that is part of the whole emotional abuse.... its the times that a person shows you that they love you unconditionally.. and maybe in their hearts they love you as much as they can... but then the "bomb" is released and your heart, your emotions, and your self esteem are slowly destroyed... but its the love, the "im sorrys" , they u r the only person I want to be with, that makes you love that person so much that you cant see or choose not to see all the warning signs and makes you want to be with that person regardless...
Because of those lows... It makes the Highs... so much more than you feel in a "normal" relationship with any other person... I believe the longer the emotional abuse goes on... the harder it is to have a long lasting normal relationship.. because you compare the highs in the normal relationship to the HIGHS in the abusive one... and it dont compare because you don't have those same lows to go along with it...
Tuesday, January 19, 2010
Monday, January 11, 2010
MEN! UGH!
So.. this last week was good... in a way! lol.
I got hit on by a guy as I was shopping at the Salvation Army! I don't think I have been approached by a man... in over a year... :-( So it was very flattering... We exchanged numbers and about 3hrs later... I kinda figured out what his agenda was... and it def. wasnt like mine... He wanted a booty call... Sorry boy.. Im not a botty call kinda girl. So a couple days later I text him pretty much so he couldnt come back and later on say- well you never text me. And I was just like - wanted to say hi. He wrote back: sorry been busy. dont think me and you have the same ideas of what we want. i dont want to waste your time. I wrote to him: no big deal. I want a friendship that will possible lead to a relationship. He replyed: i want a friendship that will lead to benefits. I said well if you want to be friends, cool. but thats all it will ever be. He wrote back. perhaps but I dont want to waste our time. I replyed. Ok cool! And that was that!
Ya know... At least he was honest.
Then my friends birthday was this weekend, so we went out to dinner. I joked with her if there were gonna be any cute guys (cuz i dated her boyfriends bestfriend awhile back and also went on a couple dates with another of his friends.. neither worked out.. moved on. no biggie.) He co-worker was there and took the phone from her and said he was going to be there... Next thing I knew I got a friend request on facebook... Ok.. cool. Checked him out. I had met him before and had thought he was attractive then... but after i seen his profile i realized he's 5 years younger than me... *flag* but... id give him a chance.. we can at least be friends... maybe... lol. anyways that night at dinner... he showed himself.. lol. he was obnoxious... him and another guy that was there (both whom were drinking) started bantering back and forth... talking bs back and forth to each other... the other guy stopped a couple times... this guy... just couldnt let it stop. Ok.. i get it.. he's young and gotta prove himself... but really? just shut up. sometimes... being quiet and letting things be.. is the best for everyone... it aint worth it! but he just proved his immaturity to me that night.
We texted back and forth and via text he seems like a cool dude... a cool friend... but im not looking for a playdate, to be mommy or even a babysitter... *sigh*
maybe i set my standards too high! lol.
I got hit on by a guy as I was shopping at the Salvation Army! I don't think I have been approached by a man... in over a year... :-( So it was very flattering... We exchanged numbers and about 3hrs later... I kinda figured out what his agenda was... and it def. wasnt like mine... He wanted a booty call... Sorry boy.. Im not a botty call kinda girl. So a couple days later I text him pretty much so he couldnt come back and later on say- well you never text me. And I was just like - wanted to say hi. He wrote back: sorry been busy. dont think me and you have the same ideas of what we want. i dont want to waste your time. I wrote to him: no big deal. I want a friendship that will possible lead to a relationship. He replyed: i want a friendship that will lead to benefits. I said well if you want to be friends, cool. but thats all it will ever be. He wrote back. perhaps but I dont want to waste our time. I replyed. Ok cool! And that was that!
Ya know... At least he was honest.
Then my friends birthday was this weekend, so we went out to dinner. I joked with her if there were gonna be any cute guys (cuz i dated her boyfriends bestfriend awhile back and also went on a couple dates with another of his friends.. neither worked out.. moved on. no biggie.) He co-worker was there and took the phone from her and said he was going to be there... Next thing I knew I got a friend request on facebook... Ok.. cool. Checked him out. I had met him before and had thought he was attractive then... but after i seen his profile i realized he's 5 years younger than me... *flag* but... id give him a chance.. we can at least be friends... maybe... lol. anyways that night at dinner... he showed himself.. lol. he was obnoxious... him and another guy that was there (both whom were drinking) started bantering back and forth... talking bs back and forth to each other... the other guy stopped a couple times... this guy... just couldnt let it stop. Ok.. i get it.. he's young and gotta prove himself... but really? just shut up. sometimes... being quiet and letting things be.. is the best for everyone... it aint worth it! but he just proved his immaturity to me that night.
We texted back and forth and via text he seems like a cool dude... a cool friend... but im not looking for a playdate, to be mommy or even a babysitter... *sigh*
maybe i set my standards too high! lol.
Its 2010 Baby!
A New Year, A New Decade!!
Wow... I cant belive that I have been out of school for almost 10years now! Seems crazy...
New Years eve was pretty good. Pey was with his dad for the week and spent New Year Eve with him and his wife and kids... I guess he fell asleep by 1130 tho :-( . Baby girl and I went to dinner with my mom and stepdad and my bro.. It was nice. :-) then after that we headed off to the party my dads friend Shawn's family was having! (thats a mouthfull!!) My dad and stepmom were there along with their friends. It was fun. Sissy had such a good time!! She didnt stop dancing the whole night!!
The next day Sissy's dad came over and stayed for a bit. He brought us some food, so I made us breakfast. Then the rest of the day, I took down the tree and all the Christmas decorations. I went and got Pey around 1230 or so.. so I got to spend the day with him also. For dinner we went over to my moms as always and had kielbasa and saurkraut. It was nice.
The rest of the weekend was just us pretty much being lazy and watching movies! fun fun fun!
Trying to do some new years resolutions...
I really do need to get me and the kids on a schedule... like up by a certain time... out of the house to school by a certain time... at night... start for bed at a certain time and in bed at a certain time... and be like that all the time.
I am also going to get Pey an appt with the doc.. I want to get his sugar checked out and/or get tested for adhd. He is just to spastic and wild and crazy sometimes... I can not handle it... and when he's like that.. he just gets into more and mroe trouble. So we shall see.
Happy New Year!
Wow... I cant belive that I have been out of school for almost 10years now! Seems crazy...
New Years eve was pretty good. Pey was with his dad for the week and spent New Year Eve with him and his wife and kids... I guess he fell asleep by 1130 tho :-( . Baby girl and I went to dinner with my mom and stepdad and my bro.. It was nice. :-) then after that we headed off to the party my dads friend Shawn's family was having! (thats a mouthfull!!) My dad and stepmom were there along with their friends. It was fun. Sissy had such a good time!! She didnt stop dancing the whole night!!
The next day Sissy's dad came over and stayed for a bit. He brought us some food, so I made us breakfast. Then the rest of the day, I took down the tree and all the Christmas decorations. I went and got Pey around 1230 or so.. so I got to spend the day with him also. For dinner we went over to my moms as always and had kielbasa and saurkraut. It was nice.
The rest of the weekend was just us pretty much being lazy and watching movies! fun fun fun!
Trying to do some new years resolutions...
I really do need to get me and the kids on a schedule... like up by a certain time... out of the house to school by a certain time... at night... start for bed at a certain time and in bed at a certain time... and be like that all the time.
I am also going to get Pey an appt with the doc.. I want to get his sugar checked out and/or get tested for adhd. He is just to spastic and wild and crazy sometimes... I can not handle it... and when he's like that.. he just gets into more and mroe trouble. So we shall see.
Happy New Year!
Friday, January 8, 2010
being a Christian... its hard sometimes
it is hard being a Christian today.... in this society...
Sometimes not being a Christian would be so much easier... seriously... it really would be...
*gasp.. a Christian girl said its easier not to be a Christian.*
Honestly, this blog has been rolling around in my head for days as certain different situation arise in my life...
I try my hardest to be a "good" Christian... even tho daily watching other people who say they are Christians (via facebook, twitter, myspace, and real life), I sometimes wonder how good I actually am...
Almost daily I face many struggles that people do not realize... or maybe they do because I blog about my issues... I tweet about my frustrations, and I publicize my life on facebook....
But deep down... I struggle.
I wonder sometimes if being a Christian is the right way to go.. I mean there other religions out there... is Jesus the right way?? Deep down in my heart of hearts... I think Jesus is the only way... but i do wonder from time to time... what if...
I struggle with being "normal" in this society... going out drinking with my friends regularly, having sex before marriage (obviously i struggled a lot with this), putting myself first: being selfish, having lustful thoughts... Over all just living life like a normal 27yr old... but then again.. I always wanted to be different.
I would love to be able to go out with my friends and get "trashed" and party it up... It would be a lot easier than sitting at home with my kids reading my bible...
I would love to be able to just date any guy out there... and not worry about his morals and his religious beliefs.. oh that would make life so much more easier.
I would like to be able to think about that guy across the room... and how hot he is... and oh what I would love to be able to do with him if we were alone..
It would be nice to not have to live up to a certain "standard" that people put on me because I am a Christian... and I don't blame them... I do the same thing.
I struggle with knowing what is right and what is wrong in the Christian world.
Is it wrong to go out to a bar? If that is ok...
is it wrong to drink? If that is ok...
how many drinks are too many?
Is it ok to get drunk and act normal?
Is it ok to dance provocatively?
Is it ok to dance at all?
Is it ok to swear?
Is it ok to watch/read/listen to music/be around people where you hear swearing in every other word?
Is it ok to hate your job?
Is it ok to not "do your job" the whole 8hrs your are there?
Is it ok to not read your bible every single day?
Is it ok to not pray 24/7?
Is it ok to smoke?
Is it ok to do drugs?
Is it ok to live with a person you love w/o being married?
Is it ok to have sex with a person you are in love with w/o being married?
Is it ok to fight/argue?
Is it ok to "air" your business on any social network site?
and the list goes on and on...
Now I know the bible has certain verses that pertain to some of these... and a lot of these verses can be taken many different ways... for and against.
I believe in Jesus Christ... I believe that He came, sacrificed himself so that we may go to heaven. I believe that without a shadow of doubt in my head.
Yea sometimes it would just be easier to turn toward the easier path that society has created... and there have been times that I was weak and did go that way... strayed off the "right" path many many times... and I am sure I will again. Does that make me a bad Christian??
It would be easier to act wild and crazy... to be promiscuous... to drown my sorrows in alcohol, men and/or drugs...
But honestly... I would rather not....
I want to be a Christian.
I enjoy not being "trashed" when I go and hang out with my friends and then being hung over and feeling like crap the next day.
Yes, I swear from time to time... I try my hardest not too.. but it does slip out.
Yes, I enjoy having a couple drinks from time to time... (and normally pay for it if I have 1 too many... but don't take that as I am crazy drunk or anything like that)
And yes I struggle with sexual ideas, sex and anything to do with that... (i would say that my biggest issue lol)
I am not a perfect person... but I am still a Christian... is that possible??!! yes.. we are human... and only human... we fall short of perfection... EVERYONE does...
I still struggle day to day with my things that go thru my mind, my heart and also my actions... and I am sure even by my peers I will be judged for it all... I will survive...
My heart belongs to the Lord. period.
Sometimes not being a Christian would be so much easier... seriously... it really would be...
*gasp.. a Christian girl said its easier not to be a Christian.*
Honestly, this blog has been rolling around in my head for days as certain different situation arise in my life...
I try my hardest to be a "good" Christian... even tho daily watching other people who say they are Christians (via facebook, twitter, myspace, and real life), I sometimes wonder how good I actually am...
Almost daily I face many struggles that people do not realize... or maybe they do because I blog about my issues... I tweet about my frustrations, and I publicize my life on facebook....
But deep down... I struggle.
I wonder sometimes if being a Christian is the right way to go.. I mean there other religions out there... is Jesus the right way?? Deep down in my heart of hearts... I think Jesus is the only way... but i do wonder from time to time... what if...
I struggle with being "normal" in this society... going out drinking with my friends regularly, having sex before marriage (obviously i struggled a lot with this), putting myself first: being selfish, having lustful thoughts... Over all just living life like a normal 27yr old... but then again.. I always wanted to be different.
I would love to be able to go out with my friends and get "trashed" and party it up... It would be a lot easier than sitting at home with my kids reading my bible...
I would love to be able to just date any guy out there... and not worry about his morals and his religious beliefs.. oh that would make life so much more easier.
I would like to be able to think about that guy across the room... and how hot he is... and oh what I would love to be able to do with him if we were alone..
It would be nice to not have to live up to a certain "standard" that people put on me because I am a Christian... and I don't blame them... I do the same thing.
I struggle with knowing what is right and what is wrong in the Christian world.
Is it wrong to go out to a bar? If that is ok...
is it wrong to drink? If that is ok...
how many drinks are too many?
Is it ok to get drunk and act normal?
Is it ok to dance provocatively?
Is it ok to dance at all?
Is it ok to swear?
Is it ok to watch/read/listen to music/be around people where you hear swearing in every other word?
Is it ok to hate your job?
Is it ok to not "do your job" the whole 8hrs your are there?
Is it ok to not read your bible every single day?
Is it ok to not pray 24/7?
Is it ok to smoke?
Is it ok to do drugs?
Is it ok to live with a person you love w/o being married?
Is it ok to have sex with a person you are in love with w/o being married?
Is it ok to fight/argue?
Is it ok to "air" your business on any social network site?
and the list goes on and on...
Now I know the bible has certain verses that pertain to some of these... and a lot of these verses can be taken many different ways... for and against.
I believe in Jesus Christ... I believe that He came, sacrificed himself so that we may go to heaven. I believe that without a shadow of doubt in my head.
Yea sometimes it would just be easier to turn toward the easier path that society has created... and there have been times that I was weak and did go that way... strayed off the "right" path many many times... and I am sure I will again. Does that make me a bad Christian??
It would be easier to act wild and crazy... to be promiscuous... to drown my sorrows in alcohol, men and/or drugs...
But honestly... I would rather not....
I want to be a Christian.
I enjoy not being "trashed" when I go and hang out with my friends and then being hung over and feeling like crap the next day.
Yes, I swear from time to time... I try my hardest not too.. but it does slip out.
Yes, I enjoy having a couple drinks from time to time... (and normally pay for it if I have 1 too many... but don't take that as I am crazy drunk or anything like that)
And yes I struggle with sexual ideas, sex and anything to do with that... (i would say that my biggest issue lol)
I am not a perfect person... but I am still a Christian... is that possible??!! yes.. we are human... and only human... we fall short of perfection... EVERYONE does...
I still struggle day to day with my things that go thru my mind, my heart and also my actions... and I am sure even by my peers I will be judged for it all... I will survive...
My heart belongs to the Lord. period.
Thursday, December 31, 2009
Happy New Year!
Well as we say Good bye to 2009 and hello to 2010... it time for me to over think and reminisce about the past year...
As weird as it is... a lot of things have happened.. and yet in someways I still feel like I am right back where I was this time last New Years...
Lets see all that has happened in 2009...
Started going to church at Harvest Ridge :-)
Got baptised.
Turned 27 :-)
Became closer to my best friend and then eventually started dating... then back to being friends.
Started going to Life Group.
Got one step closer to gettin away from an ex.
Helped my sister move to Columbus
Started with Tastefully Simple
Had to deal with situations that weren't pleasant.. but turned out alright
Met some really great people.
Over the past year... my mentality has changed tho... I have focus more on my relationship with the Lord... and there was a time where I took my focus off that and moved it on to worldly things... but its back on the Lord and I think is stronger than ever.
I say I am in the same place as I was last year because I am still single... still struggling day to day with many thing... bills, kids, work, life... and I was hoping by this time I would have found someone.. but that is not in Gods plans just yet... but I do know that he has a great man out there for me.. its just a matter of time.. HIS time.. not mine...
My new years resolution is to move forward in my life... to quit turning around and focusing on things from my past... past love, past hurt, past mistakes, past rewards... I need to focus on God and the future... there is too many issues from my past that I take with my day to day... and I need to stay away from all of that and focus on my future and the plan that God has for me... I am not really sure what that is or where exactly I am going... but I have faith and it will be all good because it will be in the Lord.
So heres too 2010 being the best year yet... focusing on the Lord in all you do... Praise HIM for all.. good and bad. dont expect every prayer to be answered.. but for the right prayers to be answered... He knows what he is doing... He sees the bigger picture in ways you cant even imagine... Better your relationship with the Lord... even if it just starts with an "im sorry"
God Bless you and yours in 2010!
As weird as it is... a lot of things have happened.. and yet in someways I still feel like I am right back where I was this time last New Years...
Lets see all that has happened in 2009...
Started going to church at Harvest Ridge :-)
Got baptised.
Turned 27 :-)
Became closer to my best friend and then eventually started dating... then back to being friends.
Started going to Life Group.
Got one step closer to gettin away from an ex.
Helped my sister move to Columbus
Started with Tastefully Simple
Had to deal with situations that weren't pleasant.. but turned out alright
Met some really great people.
Over the past year... my mentality has changed tho... I have focus more on my relationship with the Lord... and there was a time where I took my focus off that and moved it on to worldly things... but its back on the Lord and I think is stronger than ever.
I say I am in the same place as I was last year because I am still single... still struggling day to day with many thing... bills, kids, work, life... and I was hoping by this time I would have found someone.. but that is not in Gods plans just yet... but I do know that he has a great man out there for me.. its just a matter of time.. HIS time.. not mine...
My new years resolution is to move forward in my life... to quit turning around and focusing on things from my past... past love, past hurt, past mistakes, past rewards... I need to focus on God and the future... there is too many issues from my past that I take with my day to day... and I need to stay away from all of that and focus on my future and the plan that God has for me... I am not really sure what that is or where exactly I am going... but I have faith and it will be all good because it will be in the Lord.
So heres too 2010 being the best year yet... focusing on the Lord in all you do... Praise HIM for all.. good and bad. dont expect every prayer to be answered.. but for the right prayers to be answered... He knows what he is doing... He sees the bigger picture in ways you cant even imagine... Better your relationship with the Lord... even if it just starts with an "im sorry"
God Bless you and yours in 2010!
Tuesday, December 29, 2009
Christmas
Christmas this year was absolutely wonderful!
The kids has so much fun.. and this year was just so great!! God truely blessed us this year!!!
Christmas Eve I had to work till 1230 then I went over to Grandma Barbs. My dad and bobbi were already there with the kids and my brother. The kids were pretty good before I got there and amazingly they still were good after I arrived... We had dinner and both of them ate pretty good. After that we opened the gifts and they def. were spoiled. So many wonderful toys from Nani and Papa and Grammy Barb. My brother I think had a great time to.. and was really good too. (i am so happy my dad didnt get upset over anything major!)
After that we hurried to get to church for Christmas eve service... of couse we were about 10 minutes late... and all the seats were full. luckily they put out a couple more and me and the kids sat down... it was a nice service.. but just didnt seem like a normal service... i dunno.. something didnt feel right. After that I met P's dad and P went with his dad for the night. Then me and S went off to red lobster to meet my mom and stepdad-ken and my brother for dinner... It was a very nice dinner. S wanted to sit right next to grampy so that way she could sneek sips of his hot tea from time to time. lol.
After that we went to my moms house and opened a couple gifts.. My brother got a new recliners... and of course the box became the fav thing for Serenity to play in! lol. the box was huge!! i could even go in there and sit up perfectly fine.
After that we went home and went to bed... The next day we pretty much just layed around for a bit... One of my good friends's mom (whom is also one of my good friends) stopped by and gave us a fruit basket... she is such a sweetheart... when she arrived there were gifts on my back porch from santa... i am still not sure who dropped them off for us... but it was def. well appreciated and a Gift from God. We went and picke up Pey and came back home. Travis- Sissy's dad was there waiting for us... so we opened all of the gifts... the kids loved it.. I think Sissys fav gift was the cd player with microphone i got her... Peys i think was the ds games he got. :-) After that we went over to my mom and ate a wonderful dinner.. and i didnt eat all day just waiting for her dinner...its always so good... when dinner was over we opened all of the wonderful gifts from everyone... it was an absolutely wonderful day.
We finally got home around 830 or so... and decided to just lay around and watch a movie.. all of us in our snuggies... it was really nice.! :-)
Saturday my stepsister and her fiance suprised everyone and came in from Baltimore, so we once again went over to Grandma Barbs and had dinner and opened gifts there. Pey was with his day so it was just me and sissy.. she loved all they got her... Pey opened the gifts from them on Sunday.. and loved them.. he got all bakugans! he was so excited!!!
A wonderful Christmas!!!
The kids has so much fun.. and this year was just so great!! God truely blessed us this year!!!
Christmas Eve I had to work till 1230 then I went over to Grandma Barbs. My dad and bobbi were already there with the kids and my brother. The kids were pretty good before I got there and amazingly they still were good after I arrived... We had dinner and both of them ate pretty good. After that we opened the gifts and they def. were spoiled. So many wonderful toys from Nani and Papa and Grammy Barb. My brother I think had a great time to.. and was really good too. (i am so happy my dad didnt get upset over anything major!)
After that we hurried to get to church for Christmas eve service... of couse we were about 10 minutes late... and all the seats were full. luckily they put out a couple more and me and the kids sat down... it was a nice service.. but just didnt seem like a normal service... i dunno.. something didnt feel right. After that I met P's dad and P went with his dad for the night. Then me and S went off to red lobster to meet my mom and stepdad-ken and my brother for dinner... It was a very nice dinner. S wanted to sit right next to grampy so that way she could sneek sips of his hot tea from time to time. lol.
After that we went to my moms house and opened a couple gifts.. My brother got a new recliners... and of course the box became the fav thing for Serenity to play in! lol. the box was huge!! i could even go in there and sit up perfectly fine.
After that we went home and went to bed... The next day we pretty much just layed around for a bit... One of my good friends's mom (whom is also one of my good friends) stopped by and gave us a fruit basket... she is such a sweetheart... when she arrived there were gifts on my back porch from santa... i am still not sure who dropped them off for us... but it was def. well appreciated and a Gift from God. We went and picke up Pey and came back home. Travis- Sissy's dad was there waiting for us... so we opened all of the gifts... the kids loved it.. I think Sissys fav gift was the cd player with microphone i got her... Peys i think was the ds games he got. :-) After that we went over to my mom and ate a wonderful dinner.. and i didnt eat all day just waiting for her dinner...its always so good... when dinner was over we opened all of the wonderful gifts from everyone... it was an absolutely wonderful day.
We finally got home around 830 or so... and decided to just lay around and watch a movie.. all of us in our snuggies... it was really nice.! :-)
Saturday my stepsister and her fiance suprised everyone and came in from Baltimore, so we once again went over to Grandma Barbs and had dinner and opened gifts there. Pey was with his day so it was just me and sissy.. she loved all they got her... Pey opened the gifts from them on Sunday.. and loved them.. he got all bakugans! he was so excited!!!
A wonderful Christmas!!!
Thursday, December 24, 2009
Merry Christmas
Well its 10pm on Christmas eve and I am sitting here on the computer instead of trying to go to sleep. I know tomorrow will be another long day...
Today was a wonderful day. I was very blessed that I was able to get off work early and able to go and spend the day with my Dad and Stepmom and Step-Step Grandma and brother and of course my kids... then i got to spend the evening with my mom, my stepdad and my brother and my daughter... ( my son was with his father already).
When I was on my way to the restaurant to meet my mom and stepdad.. I was thinking about how wonderful this holiday... How wonderful it is that God cared enough about us to send us his son to save us... to give us hope. And it made me think about all the people out there that think this holiday means nothing... or that its just about santa and getting gifts and food and all the commercialization that has become of Christmas... We dont even say Merry Christmas anymore... its Happy Holidays... its not longer Christmas break.. its winter break... We as humans keep trying to "make everyone happy" and lose the whole Christmas spirit... yet.. if t wasnt for the birth of our Lord SAVIOR Jesus Christ... would there be a holiday to celebrate? or would the 25th of December just be another day that we happen to get together as a family?
why cant we keep Christ in this holiday with out worrying if we offend anyone?? yet dont believe it to be offensive to anyone if we say "Happy Holidays" . Personally, I dont find that offensive... but I am sure that there is somone out there that does... would you care enough to not say it to them?? And at what point will it become that we cant wish anyone any type of holiday greeting with out offending them?? and at what point will we be wrong for celebrating Jesus in any fashion?? is that really what this planet is going to come to??
on a selfish note.... after I came home from all the busyness of today... i started having my own selfish feelings rise up in me... the devil got ahold of my emotions... and brought me down... turned my thoughts over to the fact that I once again am "alone" on Christmas eve... I am still not married... this will be my 3rd Christmas spending it "alone" with my children... neither of their fathers here with us to celebrate... No man here to help me with gifts... or even just to snuggle up on the couch watching a movie waiting for the little ones to go to sleep so we could bring out the "santa gifts" ... Instead I have to do it all by myself...
But I need to realighn my focus... focus on the fact that I am not what this time of year is about... My own selfish wants and needs are not important... God has already blessed me with 2 wonderful lil children that love me and i love them even more... that God has blessed me in more ways than I will ever deserve... and that He has a man out there planned for me... He is still moulding me and that man to be perfect for each other... I know that God has a plan for me and right now that plan is for me to be single... to focus on Him, my walk with him, on my kids and to keep my eyes, my ears and my heart open up to the Him... I need to focus on HIM. period. and that is what this time of year is for...
Tomorrow is not just another holiday in the year... Its not just another birthday of someone whos been long dead and forgotten... Tomorrow is the start of a life... and because of that life... we have hope... we. have. hope... we have a savior... we can be forgiven.
Today was a wonderful day. I was very blessed that I was able to get off work early and able to go and spend the day with my Dad and Stepmom and Step-Step Grandma and brother and of course my kids... then i got to spend the evening with my mom, my stepdad and my brother and my daughter... ( my son was with his father already).
When I was on my way to the restaurant to meet my mom and stepdad.. I was thinking about how wonderful this holiday... How wonderful it is that God cared enough about us to send us his son to save us... to give us hope. And it made me think about all the people out there that think this holiday means nothing... or that its just about santa and getting gifts and food and all the commercialization that has become of Christmas... We dont even say Merry Christmas anymore... its Happy Holidays... its not longer Christmas break.. its winter break... We as humans keep trying to "make everyone happy" and lose the whole Christmas spirit... yet.. if t wasnt for the birth of our Lord SAVIOR Jesus Christ... would there be a holiday to celebrate? or would the 25th of December just be another day that we happen to get together as a family?
why cant we keep Christ in this holiday with out worrying if we offend anyone?? yet dont believe it to be offensive to anyone if we say "Happy Holidays" . Personally, I dont find that offensive... but I am sure that there is somone out there that does... would you care enough to not say it to them?? And at what point will it become that we cant wish anyone any type of holiday greeting with out offending them?? and at what point will we be wrong for celebrating Jesus in any fashion?? is that really what this planet is going to come to??
on a selfish note.... after I came home from all the busyness of today... i started having my own selfish feelings rise up in me... the devil got ahold of my emotions... and brought me down... turned my thoughts over to the fact that I once again am "alone" on Christmas eve... I am still not married... this will be my 3rd Christmas spending it "alone" with my children... neither of their fathers here with us to celebrate... No man here to help me with gifts... or even just to snuggle up on the couch watching a movie waiting for the little ones to go to sleep so we could bring out the "santa gifts" ... Instead I have to do it all by myself...
But I need to realighn my focus... focus on the fact that I am not what this time of year is about... My own selfish wants and needs are not important... God has already blessed me with 2 wonderful lil children that love me and i love them even more... that God has blessed me in more ways than I will ever deserve... and that He has a man out there planned for me... He is still moulding me and that man to be perfect for each other... I know that God has a plan for me and right now that plan is for me to be single... to focus on Him, my walk with him, on my kids and to keep my eyes, my ears and my heart open up to the Him... I need to focus on HIM. period. and that is what this time of year is for...
Tomorrow is not just another holiday in the year... Its not just another birthday of someone whos been long dead and forgotten... Tomorrow is the start of a life... and because of that life... we have hope... we. have. hope... we have a savior... we can be forgiven.
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