others who blog

I am sitting here being nosey.. and bored...typical at the end of the work day...
and i am reading other peoples blogs... and i am sitting her laughing hysterically over some...
and other i am a bit jealous...
i wish i could be one of those women who acutally have time (besides down time at work) to sit down and blog... and blog on multiple sites! i wish i could be a stay at home mom... and have the perfect house... and the perfect yard... and be creative to make my house so unique... and be witty and funny and be able to make everyone who reads my blog laugh or wish they were me...

but i have come to the realization... i m not that creative... i am not that witty... and i may be unique... but not necessarily in a way people really want to read about.. or at least not in a way that i am able to completely express in words. and i have come to realize...that i probably will never have the lifesytle.. i would love to be a stay at home mom... and be there for my kids all the time... and have the time to blog... and have that "perfect" life... but its all a dream...

but i do love to type.. and i do love to blog... so i will keep on at it... and even tho i may never have a steady readership (is that even a word) its good therapy for me to get my hairbrained thoughts out of my head...

i dunno... all this sounded so much better when i was thinking about what i was gonna write while i was peeing... damn. need a computer in the bathroom so i dont forget everythign in the 10 feet from there to my desk.

too too long...

its been awhile since i wrote on here.... ive been selfish i have been writing in my personal blog about life and relationships and whatnot...

this has been a busy summer... well at least the last month has been. seems like almost every week for the last month we have been doing somehting... first we went down to columbus to visit my sister for a few days for our family vacation... that was fun.. not as much fun as i was thinking it was going to be, but still fun...
we went to the columbus zoo on our first full day down there... and that was nice.. very hot tho... and my son was in one of those moods... just wouldnt listen to anyone... wanted to do everything his way... or no way... so it made for a stressful day.. and my sister was in a mood too cuz of personal issues she was having... so the two of them together was slightly stressful.
then my sister's ear starting acting up... so she ended up going to the er for it... and was told no showering.. no water.. nothing...
which kinda came in handy... cuz the next day we went to a water park... and since she had to stay home... she got to spend the day with my daughter... and me and pete took peyton to the waterpark ourselves... it was so much freakin fun...
sunday... the day we left... we kinda just layed around... and was lazy most of the day...
then about a week later... i took a few days off and spent it with my kids and my mom... it was really really nice... very exhausting physically.. but relaxing and good quality time!
we went down to amish country for one day... went around to all the shops.. i spent way too much money... but got the kids and my mom a few cute lil things.
the next day we went out the the african safari in port clinton... its a drive thru "safari" . its awesome. we took my brother along for this one. i think he enjoyed it too... and my kids loved it. they give you food to feed the animals and the animals come right up to the car and stick their heads in and everything... it was fun and exciting... and needless to say i was filthy- covered in animal spit all over my arms and legs! but it was so much fun.
last weekend we went to put n bay with the whole family to celebrate my mom's bday. it was fun... felt rushed as always... but still a lot of fun.
i have been very stressed out here lately... i havent been getting enuf sleep... and i have been worrying about bills and money and all that... so i know i have been short with the kids and its almsot like they know i feel like i do.. and start acting up even more than normal! its been a long month... im hoping next month will be better...
next week i will be going to florida for a couple days... one of my good friends used their flyer miles and got me a ticket... so i am really looking forward to that... i am going to miss my kids like crazy... but i am so looking forward to it all... getting away.. peace and quiet... relaxation... or at least i am hoping... the only thing that is going to seriously suck... is i will have almost no money... but hey... ramen noodles in florida.. is better than ramen noodles at home! lol!

venting...

Ok.. I am stressing out today...
I have been thinking way too much about my bills and everything... and so do not have enough money to pay any of them!!!
I am gettin pissed off at people in generall... I hate when someone tells me that they will help me pay for something... then dont and I know damn well that they never had any intentions ..ing me in the first place... they just said it to get what they want and then thats it.. they are done!!! its so frustrating and pisses me off so bad... why can't they just be a fuckin man and live up to to what they say... otherwise dont fucking say it!!!!
sorry... im just in a pissy mood today... stressed out... and just kinda needed to vent.. i am just tired of idiots and false promises... i know damn well that if i promise anything... i make sure i go thru with it... cuz i know i dont want to be known as the person who doesnt keep their word on something...
i know i have made a shit ton of mistakes in my past... and at times i feel like i am still paying for a lot of those mistakes... but i have learned from them... i am trying to grow from them... and move on and be better because of them!!! why can others do the same...
i hate when someone comes at me and apologized for the mistakes they made... and wonder why i dont believe them that they are sorry and that they wont do it again... yet... there they go doing the same damn thing... just slightly different... and they are too damn stupid to even realize what it is that they are doing!!!! yet i am supposed to believe that they have changed?? fuck that.
i hate when someone come at me with a bold face lie... and i prove to them that they are lying about it.... and yet they still insite they are not lying... i may be dumb at time... but i am not stupid!!! it may take me a min or two to figure shit out... but i will!!!!!!
i guess i am just tried of fighting all these battles all the time... i feel like i am responsible for so much.. and i am not sure how much more i can handle... i know the Lord only gives me what i can handle... and i know i can keep going... i have faith in Him. and my strenght is thru Him... just sometimes it all becomes so overwhelming... like i have a huge sack of burdens on my back.... and i am about to tip over from it... (read the pilgrims progress) and i know the Lord is here helping me thru... and honestly that is the only thing that is getting me thru it all!!!
i just want to be a good mom to my kids... not be stressed out all the time... and it seems like anymore ... thats all i am stressed... snapping too quickly at my babys... no patience what so ever for anything... and do their fathers help... nope... and yet the one father has the fucking audacity to get pissed cuz i have a new man in my life... and in his eyes is taking his place as a father... but what the hell... if he aint in the picture... if he doesnt come to see his child... then what the f. does he think??
where do i find all the idiots.. lol. i am seriously starting to think i have a big sign stuck to my forehead that says sucker on it....
am i that desperet for love that i fall for anything????
my new man is great... i cant really complain.. he makes me feel special... actually shows me he loves me.. yea we have our issues with each other already.. but hey ... we are human.. who doesnt... but i do like him... and am gonna see what the future holds for us....
alright.. enuf venting for the moment.. even tho i may be on again after a bit... with more ramblings... lol.
God Bless ya'll

stuck like glue...

why is it when a girl gets with a guy... she stuck on him like glue...
forgets about her friends... her obligations... her normal life...
and sticks with him even tho all the warning signs are there... that they will not last, that he is not good?

i know so many of my friends that have been like this... and I can even say that I have too....
but why?

is it that as a woman we need to have someoen there to make us feel complete?
is it that we need to have someone there to love?
is it that we just dont think we deserve better?

why are we willing to give up so much and get nothing in return?

Karma

Ok...
I have heard of the whole karma thing.. and what goes around comes around... and I am definetely living proof of that... but how long do i have to pay for my past mistakes???

With my ex husband is when i made most if not all of my huge mistakes...
I cheated on him, i lied to him, and I hurt him severely...
And for the past 3 years... I feel like I am paying for all of those mistakes.

In my last relationship with my daughters father... I was miserable for most of it... (and for some stupid reason... he was my first real true love-stupid i know)...
He would do so many of the things that I did to my ex husband... like make me beg for sex... I rarely ever wanted to have sex when I was with my ex husband... and so we did once in a while... maybe once a week or a little bit more... and it was to please him... With my daughters father... it was about the same... only it was always me initiating having sex with him... me begging him for it... and then I only got it maybe once a week... if i was lucky...
and that is just one example...

so now i am wondering... if everything that i do... going to come back to haunt me... will i always get my ass kicked by karma? because even till this day... i feel like i still am... I still see things that i did to him (the sneekiness, the lying, the makin excuses for things)...
and i know i was a bitch to my ex-husband... and i regret the way i did him and how much i hurt him... but should i have to pay for the rest of my life for those mistakes??

screwiing it up

Ok.. so my boy finally asked me to be his girl friend... and everything was great... then i dunno what happen with me...
I have become so freaking insecure you wouldnt belive... and i am not really sure why.
Over the weekend my boyfriend left his old phone at my house... and i decided to play with it some... and i ended up reading a lot of his old text messages that he sent his ex's before me and him were official... or hell ever really dating dating... but it still upset me a lil bit. and i know it shouldnt have cuz i had sent similar messages to my ex too... so i told him how i felt and we talked about it and we were good..
well last nite we were sitting there and he was listening to a song on his new phone that he just downloaded... and it was a song that he said messaged his ex that it reminded him of her...
should have i gotten upset? it really hurt me. eventually i told him that it was bothering me (after like 20 min of him asking me what was wrong)... and he said that he liked the song before her.. and it was just something that one part reminded him of her at one time.. but it was still his favorite song regardless...
but ever since then.. i feel like now there is this distance between me and him... and i dunno... i am so in love with him... and yet i am so freaking scared of being hurt, being lied to and being cheated on... my ex sure did a number on me... and i didnt realize it till now...
i am trying to trust him.. and not think the way that i am thinking right now... but its hard...

am i wrong for thinking the way that i am? should i trust him? what should i do?

UN-INSPIRED

I havent wrote in a while...

I have a crap-load list of things that I have thought about that I could blog about...
but when it comes time to actually sit down and write... my mind is blank...
I have all these wonderful thoughts that go on all day long and sometimes all night long too... in my head... of things that I want to say... but then its like as soon as my fingers touch the keyboard... blank.. nothing.. nada.. zilch.

So I need some inspiration...