the hamster wheel.

I don’t even know where to start. I have been wanting to write for the last 3 days… but as soon as I get the computer out, I lose all motivation.

I woke up Sunday morning just completely depressed. It took all I had not to cry.   I made it to church and I am so glad that I did. I needed that. I ended up seeing one of my favorite pastors there and spoke with her for a brief second and she told me to come in and talk with her asap. So I know it was God that brought me to church and God that had me see her especially because she wasn’t even supposed to be there that day!

Monday, my daughter woke up with a 101 temperature and a headache. So I stayed home from work with her. Figured that I would be able to get so much done around the house… but nope, ended up laying in bed with her most of the day. She wanted me close.

Tuesday was the same.  L  I woke up in a seriously horrible mood. I couldn’t control the tears this time was just utterly frustrated. I had a 930 conference with my son’s school and his father… and I had no one to watch my daughter.. finally I got ahold of my dad and was able to take her over there. I just felt so helpless.  Had a pretty good conference with the school, so I am really hoping that things will be better till the end of the year.

Today she still has a temperature of 103 and I have to go to work.  I have a call into the doc to see if we can get in today… but haven’t heard anything back yet.  UGH. She is with my step dad today, so I am very thankful for that!!

I finally got a hold of baby girls father today and ggrrr. I wanted to reach through the phone and smack him. I told him she was still sick and said it would really be nice if he could take a day off work to be with his daughter. And he said he can’t afford it. Hhhmmm.. but apparently I can. I seriously wouldn’t be too upset if I never had to speak or think of that man ever again in my life.

I don’t know.  I am just so depressed lately.  I have no motivation. I feel like other than my kids…I feel like my life is pointless.  I live day to day.. just in blah. Going through the motions of every day life but really don’t feel like I am going anywhere.. just spinning around on the hamster wheel.  There are moments here and there where I feel like I might be able to get off this wheel… and then I stick my head out and bonk I am back into reality and realize I am stuck here… and I don’t know how to get off. I don’t know how to change anything.  I dread getting up everyday. I dread going to work. I dread going home.  When the phone rings I dread who’s calling.  I am just frustrated at everything in my life right now and I don’t know how to change it.  I have no motivation.  I almost don’t care anymore. I have no goals. I have no desires.

I know God has a plan for my life… I can feel it. I know I have a purpose… I just can’t figure out what any of it is. 

I think for the next few weeks I am going to be backing away from people and focusing on me… try to figure out my place…who I am and where I need to go.  I need to pray. And even more so, I need to listen for God’s word in my heart, so I know where to go and who I am with HIM.

Blessings N Love

Overthinking Mama