the big 31!

This has been an amazing day. Simply amazing. 

Today is my birthday!!  

My phones been going off since late last night with text messages from friends and family wishing me a happy birthday, but the best surprise was that my stepdaughter- my daughters sister, called me. I never would have expected that.  I talked to her for a minute, wished her a happy birthday and then found out that she was in the middle of a sleepover that she was having for her birthday (her's was the 7th). That brought tears to my eyes. That even in the middle of her own party, she remembered me!!  Her mother has raised an absolutely amazing little girl!!! 

After that I sat down for my quiet time with the Lord. Read my devotional and listen to some worship music and then started praying.  And as I prayed thanks to the Lord for the day, my birth, my life, I started crying. Good tears. I felt the Lord so strong with me. I felt so overwhelmed with his presence.. with his love.  Felt so happy.  So blessed.   

The Lord is so good!! 

Blessings N Love

Overthinking Mama 

Realization Friday

This week I have come to realize:

~ that I carry my stress in my digestive system. When I get upset, stressed, worry… I get an upset acid cramping feeling and need to run to the bathroom quite often. Lol.

~ that I feel God telling to hold on and not give up just yet.  Crazy.

~ that I love my new hair cut and color

~ that I need to try hard not to let my insecurity get the best of me.

~ that I am still like a little kid and get all excited for my birthday!!!

~ that I am so ready for a vacation!!! Some place warm!!!

~ that I have amazing kids!!

Hope everyone has an amazing weekend!!!

Blessings N Love

Overthinking Mama

All my looks...past year 2012-2013

Well any one who has been following my blog for at least the past 6+ months, knows I change up my hair quite often. Hey I get bored. lol.

Here's my looks for the past year. :-)

April 2012- got some highlights put in 

June 2012- went all blonde

June 2012- got some black put in

July 2012- got it cut

front of the cut. 

august 2012

end of august 2012- cut and colored. 

another sytle of the same cut

and another one. 

october 2012- back to blonde...and a little red in front. 

January 2013

Feb 2013 went all blonde again.. 

March 2013  and cut it again...

Blessings N Love
Overthinking Mama

yea... i've got issues.

Some of my friends think I am crazy. That I have issues, and maybe I do. I don’t know anymore… not sure if I care anymore. Lol.

I was just re-reading my last blog post- Ball Punch.. and then also The Donor… and thinking to myself, this is why. Why I have the issues I do.

I have a very hard time anymore, letting someone in. Letting someone close to my heart. I have a hard time anymore, falling in love and letting myself go. It always seems that when I start too, I get hurt.  And I am tired of that hurt. That pain. I go thru that enough on a daily basis that I don’t need to put myself out there that much more to have it happen that much worse.

The first man to truly, Truly hurt me, was my daughter’s father- aka sperm donor.  I met him right after I got divorced.  I didn’t want to date, but he was persistent and I caved.  He promised me his forever love, his forever faithfulness. He promised me everything I wanted to hear.  Told me he loved me and wanted a family with me. That I was the first woman he ever loved like this. That I was the best woman he’s ever dated. I was better to him and for him than anyone else in his life.  I believe it all.   I believed I was special to him.  I let myself go. I loved him fully. He had my complete heart.  And he walked away.

We have been split up for 6 ½ almost- 7 years now. And I am still hurting.  He has promised me these things and said these things off an on for the last almost 7 years to me. I have put up a wall to him.  But I relive the hurt he’s caused me almost every single day. Not because I still am in love with him or that I want him back, but because of our daughter. 

She is something that he wanted to with me.  and yet another broken promise.  The promise to always be there.. The promise to always help me out. The promise to never abandon us. The promise to always care.  

Every time he makes plans to see her and doesn’t call, doesn’t show.. It opens that wound again.  Every time he can’t take the time to take her for an hour or a night or a day.. It opens that wound for me again. Every time she is sick and I am the only one there to ease her sadness or sickness, it opens that wound again.  Every time he disappoints her, it opens that wound again.  And the pain I feel is not because I am still in love with him but because of lack of responsibility when it comes to his daughter, because of his selfishness when it comes to his daughter – reopens all of those wounds that he has caused me over the years.  That. Has made it that much harder to be able to love someone fully and deeply.  Yes there have been other heartaches through out the years. Other disappointments, betrayals from other men that I have tried to let in my heart that has caused me to hold back also.   

I keep hoping that one day I will finally meet a man who can break down these walls and will heal this hurt. That will show me that not every man is the same.  But honestly, I don’t know if I will ever be able to let someone in enough to do that.  I am just tired of feeling hurt. Feeling pain. 

Blessings N love

Overthinking Mama 

ball punch

I am fighting back tears at the moment.  I need to vent so here I am.

I got a call a bit ago saying I needed to pick my daughter up from school. Her fever is back and she can not return to school tomorrow.  We have to wait 24 hours.

I pick her up and run home to get my check book and then up to the Urgent Care which is about 15/20 min away.   I get there and they are closed for lunch.. for another hour! Really???  Gggggrrrrrr.  So we leave and I call my mom to see if she is home yet. I feel so frustrated!!! Frustrated that my daughter is sick. Frustrated that there is nothing I can do to help her. Frustrated that this has been going on for over a week. Frustrated that I have to send her to school when I know she’s still not feeling good because I have to go to work. Frustrated because I know that her no good sperm donor is doing whatever he wants, and isn’t here to help.  I could seriously punch him in the balls so easily right now.  He had no problem promising me the world, saying all right things and getting me pregnant. (don’t get me wrong, I am responsible too.. but I am “manning” up to my responsiblites- he’s obviously not).

Luckily I have an awesome mom that isn’t working today and could stop everything she is doing so that my daughter could stay with her and I could return to work. I seriously don’t know what I would do with out her. 

Blessings N Love

Overthinking Mama

pretty little liar

One of my biggest pet peeves.. is a liar.

I mean unless its for a surprise of some kind… or something good… there is not reason to lie. 

Not about your past, your present, not about anything… because the truth will always come out one way or another.

Don’t boast about what you have done.. or how great you are, because the truth will always surface.

So many people out there no a days what to make themselves into something they are not. Want to come across better than they really are.  And I get that. I don’t want to be judged or looked down upon at all… but when there are things in my past that I can not change, there is no point in lying about it.  When there are things about myself that eventually will come to light, why lie about it? 

I try and be a very open and honest person. Too much at times.  Why is it so hard for others to do that to?

Why do we as a person, feel the need to lie or change up things just to impress someone??  I mean do we really think that the person will never find out?

We all have flaws. Either you accept them in someone or you don’t. And really.. do you want someone in your life that can’t accept you with your flaws? Do you want someone in your life that doesn’t know the real you? That doesn’t like the real you??  I know I don’t.  To me if someone can’t accept me for me.. for my flaws and all, then that person isn’t worth being in my life.

I am not going to fake it for anyone.

Blessings N Love

Overthinking Mama 

the Donor

Sometimes. Sometimes I just don't get it!

My daughters father- now known as sperm donor just text me saying last night was the first time that he hasn't felt welcomed in my house.   Now, I try really hard not to talk bad about anyone- especially him... but Im done.

I told him that I was sorry he felt unwelcomed. But I was tied of loving him as much as I do. I was tired of him never feeling like he has to sacrifice anything for our daughter is never a consideration, because he knows that I will do it. I will take care of whatever needs to be done. That I am tired of my daughter having a father that comes by to see her and sits in another room and calls her to him when she's sick with a 103 fever.  I was tired of her having a father that only comes around when its convenient for him. That he is always welcome at my house, as long as he is there to see her.  - his reply to this: well understood.
So does that mean that he will come around more?? be there for her more? no, probably not. It will probably be just the opposite sadly.

The last time that he came over to see baby girl was Christmas.

Yes. I had a slight attitude when him when he came over last night.  Why?? because I missed 2 days of work and had to have my stepdad watch my daughter on the 3rd day because she was sick.  That I had to send my daughter to school, still not feeling the greatest yesterday and again today because I couldn't miss anymore work.  I had called him Tuesday, his day off, to ask if he could watch our daughter for the day. No answer. No call back. So text him later that day. again, nothing... not till 8pm did I get a reply. And it was to ask how she was doing.  The next day I text him and said that I would be nice if he could take a day off when our daughter is sick sometimes so I wasn't the only one. His reply- I can't afford to miss an hour of work let alone a day.  Apparently I can because I have no choice in that matter. Yes, I make more than him... but I am always the one raising our daughter.  Yes, he pays child support...but that doesnt cover everything that is needed, infact because I felt bad for him, I had things held out from child support so he would be able to make ends meet for himself. Stupid. Me.  So, who cares if I lose my job because I miss too many day.  As long as he doesn't. Thats all that matters.  That is what started my attitude towards him.

I am tired.

I am tired of always making excuses to our daughter for him.
I am tired of her thinking that having a daddy that only comes around when he feels like its is "normal"

He asked me last night, if baby girl was excited he was coming over. I said she didn't know. I stopped telling her when he was going to come over because most of the time he never showed up...  like a week ago, when he said he was coming over... and then the next day when he said he would come over instead... and no call. no text. nothing...
but at 1230 in morning, he has no problem texting me asking to come over because he's lonely... sorry dude. Can't help you.

There are so many negative things I could write right now.. part of me wants to, wants to just get it all out there... out of my head and out of my heart. But once again, I won't do that to him.  I won't make the world think any worse of him than they do.

But I am done.
He is now, a sperm donor in my eyes.  I will never talk bad about him to our daughter and I will never prevent my daughter from seeing her father if she wants to.
But in my eyes. Hes a sperm donor.

Blessings N Love
Overthinking Mama