This

Ggggrrr...
I think of so many different things thru out my days to blog about... then I actually sit down and start to type... and NOTHING. Very frustrating...

I have so many random thoughts that go thru my head on a daily basis... its exhausting. Plus along with many of those random thoughts are all kinds of emotions... anger, sadness, lonliness etc... Then I have so many people in my life that effect my emotions... my kids, my family, my boyfriend, my kids fathers... that especially here recently I am drained most of the time...
I am a very emotional person... I cryed watching BOLT the other day... now I am talking about all out bawling my eyes out.. but I did have tears come to my eyes... I am not ashamed of it either. I wear my heart on my sleeve.. Its out there for all to see... and all to hurt.
And because of all the thoughts and all the emotions that I have been going thru... I have been physically exhausted almost all the time. I will get spurts of energy once in a while.. but there are more days than not that I don't even want to get out of bed... at all... And because of this, I have missed church more frequently than I'd like to even admit. And I hate myself for it. Church should be a priority for me. More so than my job... But somehow I let my emotions control my living. Another thing that held me back from going to church is my anxiety issues... Going alone ( i did get over that for the most part... but it snuck back in on me) and then also becoming a member of the church, and having to leave my "little shell" and go out and talk to the other people in the church, greet them, be social, be friendly... Not that any of these things are horrible... and honestly I can be a social person and am extremely friendly... but for some reason the idea of walking around greeting people seemed over whelming to me, and the more I thought about that, the more anxious I became, the more tired I became, and the more solitare I became, to the point where I haven't gone... and then because I haven't gone.. I am anxious about going back and having to face everything... and the questions ~where have you been? ~ are you ok? ~ was somethng wrong? etc.. And I know everyone means well... but I am not a "in person" person. I do great in emails, text, anything virtual. But phone convos, and convos in person, make me very anxious. And I havent always been this way, but in the last couple years I have become a hermit in a way.. and dont hardly talk on the phone or to strangers in person. So I let the anxiety over whelm me. But I know I need to work on that and get this under control.

I feel so strongly right now that I need a change... but I am not sure what or how.. I feel I need a new job because I am not really sure where this one is going in the upcoming months... I feel I need a new house cuz mine is so small... I feel I need to move out of my city so I can get a little farther away from my "9 block radius life) and also to get away from so many memories and people here that hurt my heart from time to time... I feel i need to redo my house, reorgainize, need a new hair style... something... I need to change something small in my life to help me feel like I have a little bit of control in it... When in reality it is the Lord that has the control not me.

I need to pray on this... all of this.