a long journey

I have this feeling to write this morning... even though I really am not sure what I am to write... but the keyboard is calling to my fingers and I can not elude its sound... so here I am going...

My journey to being saved and finally making it officaial has been a long journey... about 13-14 years... at least that I can remember. My church is probably laughing at me. When I got baptised a month ago they gave me a single piece of paper with 3 questions on it... they got it back with all 3 questions answered... and 4 pages front and back filled... my story of being saved is not a few lines on a piece of paper...
It has been a total life altering journey for me.
At my bible study on Friday... they were talking about the Will of God... and death... and God using the death of someone as a postive to bring someone closer to him.... I can see that happening in my life.... the death of my 11 year old neice 6 years ago brought me one step closer, then the death of my 3year old neice 2years ago brought me one step closer... and I wonder, if those things didnt happen (along with many others in my life) if I would be where I am at today...
But anyway back to my journey... I hope you have a free minute to 10 to sit and read this... :-)
My story beings (at least the first memory of it all) when i was 13... I have fought depression since I can remember... my life has always been an up and down roller coaster of emotions... my highs were high and short and my lows were low and hard to get back up to that high... and even at 13 it was no different... and I think part of the reason for my depression was the fact that I was always looking for love... Now I was very loved. I knew my mom and my dad even tho they were divorsed loved me very much... i was still longing for love... so at the age of 13 I lost my virginity searching for love... in all the wrong ways... plus I wanted to be in with all the cool girls in school (or the popular ones.. hhmm.. wonder why they were so popular).. So the boy I lost my virginity too pretty much stopped talking to me the next day after he borrowed my pager (dont laugh) and decided never to return it. I was hurt... but I dont remember being crushed.... a few months later I remember skipping school (with my mother's permission... cough cough i was sick) and laying on the couch watching one of the wonderful day time shows... and there came a commercial for Power for Living... a book that talking about being saved... it was free... all you had to do was call this number.. give them your info and they would send this book to you... so something inside me made me call (God) and if anyone knows me... I do not like calling places and talking to people.. even back then.. lol. but I did.. and I got it... read maybe 2 pages and put it in my room somewhere on a shelf... years went by... and I met my future husband... we dated for years... and still I was longing for something more... me and him broke up many times... mostly because of me... me wanting something more... yet I never received it... and then I also cheated on him... and to this day I am still not completely sure why... just that I was searching for something more... some more kinda love... which I still didnt recieve... but this boy was good too me.. stayed with me.. we worked thru it, had a child, bought a house, and eventually got married... but I still wasnt happy. still was searching for something more... Our marriage lasted only a few months, mainly because of me... I would have rathered go out drinking, partying, being the center of attention than to be the wife and the mother that I should have been... I let him down and I let our son down... even after we split, I was still in that drinking partying mindset... looking for something... some kinda happiness, love... never to find... I had very low points, followed by even lower points, followed by more drinking and low points.. lol. but I was having fun in between... I was being promiscuous... searching for love and thinking I found it in breif moments. Then I met my daughters father... and in a lot of ways he was a life saver... we started dating... and he was/is very insecure and very controlling... and at that moment in my life... that is what I needed. I stopped going out all time... I stopped drinking all the time... I finally settled down... was ready for the family with him... about a month after we started dating I became pregnant... one week after we found out, I had a miscarriage and 2 weeks after that we conceived my daughter. Now he was a good man... but he has his demons in so many ways... and in ways you probably wouldnt believe me even if I told you... but there were many nights I cryed myself to sleep because this man couldnt love me the way that I needed to be love... he didnt have it in him... I prayed, i cryed, i slept... you never know true lonliness untill you are lying next to someone you love whole heartly... and then feel all alone... In Aug of 2006 his neice passed away... it was tragic.. we went down to North Carolina to be with his family during all of this. It truely moved me. As soon as we returned I went out and bought a bible... and for a few weeks, I read it ever night... but after awhile life took the drivers seat and the bible was place on the mantle of the fireplace and was rarely picked up again... 6 months after my daughter was born and less than a year and a half of a relationship, we split up... at the moment I wasnt overly sad... i missed him, i was lonly, but I was also relieved. It was a burden loving somone that didnt love you the same... a few months later we tried to work it out... He told me he was sorry, he loved me... I felt the love I had wanted.. he was sweet and kind and caring... the man I wanted... it lasted a month... He went to NC and while there he told me again how much he loved me, how much he was going to work to make us happy... and then 2 days after he came home... he just stopped talking to me... i was devistated... and even till this day, I cant think about it with out tearing up... I was heartbroken... i have never been hurt by a man before... till him. Finally we started talking and had moments where we are good and then we are bad... then New years eve 2007/2008 came... i had a small get together and invited him of course... i hate new years, i get very depressed- he knew this... the night was horrible... miserable.. he treated me like crap (which even till this day he denies- he doesnt even see it.) when it hit midnight... he was too busy on his phone to even hug or kiss me... i was heartbroken... after everyone left i asked him to stay, i was lonely i didnt want to be alone that night... He left. I went into a deep depression... Feb came... I was pretty much begging him at least once a week to come over, to stay with me becuase I didnt want to be alone... and he wouldnt... so finally one night in the begining of Feb. late at night, after my kids were in bed, i found that Power for living book... i had ordered 13 years before... that had moved with me 3x, had somehow stuck with me thru all those years... and I started reading it... and that night, I got down on my knees in the middle of my bedroom and asked Jesus into my heart.... I felt a relief... a burden lifted... I was happier than I had ever been!!! I was on top of the world... but didnt change anything in my life... didnt go to church, didnt read the bible... i kept saying.. I am looking for a church.. but never left my bed on a sunday morning to find that church... Spring of 2008 i met a guy and we started dating... and the further along the relationship went along... the more unhappy i became... and I didnt like who i was becoming because of this man... one sunday tho, i told him I wanted to go to church... so he took me to the church he went to a bible study too a few years back (i think this is part of the reason why God brought this man into my life) Harvest Ridge Assembly of God... We only went to the one service... a few months passed and we split up... Me and my daughters father tried to work it out again... for a whole 3 days... and it didnt work.. and again I was devistated... I was low... this lasted off and on till Christmas... Christmas eve came and my mom and family normally go to dinner out at Red Lobster then back to their house to open a gift... This year I told them that me and this kids were going to go to Christmas eve service.. if they wanted to come, good if not... then id meet them afterwards... (first time id ever stood up like that) so they decided to come... That morning I emailed 2 churches... Harvest Ridge and another one... Pastor Crowe at Harvest Ridge was the only one to reply... so that is where we went... and where I have been going ever since...
I feel like every thing in my life brought me to where I am today... I can look back and people I have met, things I have done, mistakes I have made and see my path to now... how God used certain things in my life to bring me to him... It was a long journey but so worth it... I wouldnt change one thing about my life.... because i might not be who i am or where i am today...