A Christian and a Non-Christian

I have the battle going on in my head... One of the many battles that go thru my head on a daily basis. (there is acutally a war going on it there made of many different battles... maybe that is why I get so many headaches?!)

anyways.

A battle of life. A battle of right and wrong.

I am a Christian. I don't hide the fact. I am not a perfect person. I do not think I am any better than anyone else becasue of it either. I am still learning. I make plenty of mistakes. I am still weak. And the devil still sometimes wins the battles and I stray down the wrong path.

But the thing is. I have faith. I am amazed at time at my faith. I know God has a plan for me. I know that Jesus gave up his life for mine and for yours. I have faith that no matter what is going on in my life. No matter how great or how horrible, I know that God is there. That he will see me thru it all. That everything I go thru will make me into a better person as long as I take the right path and I have faith. I belive that it is the hard time in your life, that bring you closer to God. I know that if I hadnt been thru some of the hard times in my life, I wouldnt be who and where I am today.

The most recent battle going on in my head is this: I am a Christain. My boyfriend is NOT.



2 Corinthians 6:14 (New International Version)
14Do not be yoked together with unbelievers. For what do righteousness and wickedness have in common? Or what fellowship can light have with darkness?

He has come right out and told me he believes there is a God, but he has no faith.

I don't really know what to do. I do love him. But he is not a Christian. I know God brought us together for a reason. Maybe for me to show him the Glory of our God? But I do not know how to do this. I dont know what to say or what to do to help him to believe. I have tried to get him to come to church with me... and sometimes he will (tho he did more before we were a couple). I have tried to get him to come to bible study with me and he did once. When I have mentioned it again... it was pretty much.. when he is ready he will go again... but when will that be.

So my battle in my head is what do I do? What is it that God wants me to do here? How am I do handle this situation?

Pray.

sitting and thinking

Dear Diary,
I am sitting here with my daughter watching a movie that we have seen over and over again... and I start thinking... about my life about the life I want. I feel like a childish little girl thinking the way I do. I am thinking about my prince charming. The man that is going to sweet me off my feet.. the man who will take all my pain away. The man that will make me happy. Is this just a fantasy that will soon dissolve like so many other one? Is it wrong to want that type of love or even thinking that type of love is possible? Is that type of relationship even possible? Where a man and woman have such a deep bond and a deep love that they can get thru anything. That both are mutually happy 99% of the time? Where the relationship is equal. Where the man is willing to do for the woman as much as she is willing to do for him?
I just want a companion. I want a man that will be there for me no matter what. That when I am sick or depressed or whatever, he will be there for me, he will help me and make me better. He will be there for me and for my kids. He will help me. period.
Is that to much to ask for? Just to be loved? To be cherished. To receive what I give?

the first symptoms

Dear Diary,
I am home sick today with both of the kids. Ugh. I have a headache and a sore throat and am just tried. Baby girl actually slep thru the whole night last night and didnt get up till about 930 this morning. I think that is the longest she has slept in at least 6months if not longer. Baby boy was complaining last night that he wasnt feeling good and again this morning. Noone had a fever but no one feels all that great. So I figured with swine flu going around and everyone in our lives being sick with something we should take to day off and just relax. Or at least try. With 2 kids there really isnt any resting for me at all. :-( I wish that I had someone here that would take care of me while i am sick... I texted the bf and asked if he was planning on coming over. Of coruse he isnt. I guess I just assumed that since I wasnt feeling that great today that he would come over tonite and help take care of me or something... but I guess not...
Then the surgery center called me to talk about payments since I havent reached my deductable yet on my insurance. I owe the full amout which is over 500 dollars... so I can either set up a payment plan with them which is about 98dollars a month or apply for care credit care. Ugh. Why does it always have to be difficult. I wish I had a partner in everything. A man that was my husband and was here with me to help me thru everything... We could do things together...
High point of the day... well last night... I fixed my toilet. Thanks to my stepdad coming over the night before and showing me what needed to be replaced. I went down to home depot and got the part and fixed it!! yeay! it works!! Then I also replaced my shower head. So I am glad those two things are done... Once I am off of here I plan on going and taking a nice long shower... if the kids let me anyway.
I feel like since I am home today that I should be doing something... cleaning... rearranging... something... ggrr... I hate not doing anything...
I am starting to worry about my job too. I am not really sure what is going to happen with it... and even tho I dont care for it... its all I got. If I lose my job, I am screwed. I have no one to help me pay the bills or nothing... I guess I am just in one of those over thinking type moods today.
I want to rearrange my family room... but I dont think that is something that I am going to do today. I need help moving my tv... it is too heavy and normally even if something is too heavy ill figure out someway to move it... but I am too scared, it would be just my luck that I would drop it or soemthing and boom.. no more tv. (that I am still paying on)
My parents are in Florida this week. So I have to go over there and let the dogs out everyday. This weekend I am thinking of making it a kid weekend. Go to a halloween walk on friday, get and carve pumpkins on sat. Have a movie night and/or a fire. Go on a hay wagon ride... I just hope this weekend is nice so that I can do all these things with the kids. This week so far has been beautiful. So I really hope it continues to this weekend.
Im gonna go read the weather report...

Being Left

I realized a couple nights ago that I have a fear of being left. I would like to say I can blame that on my daugthers father since he is the one man that did the most damage to me emotionally and mentally. But sadly it was soemthing that I feared long before he came into the picture. I remember a guy I was dating quite a few years ago. A great guy, treated me good, loved me to the best of his ability but whenever we went anyway, if he drove, I had this fear that he would just leave me at wherever it was we were. He had never done this before, nor even acted or threatened that he would. Yet, It was a fear of mine.
Then the other night while I was in the shower, my boyfriend was over and that same fear came back. That he was gonna leave. This time my fear wasnt that I was going to be stranded somewhere, it was just he was going to leave me, that I would get out of the shower and he would be gone. He's never done this nor acted/threatened like he would. Yet, as I showered I half expected him to be gone when I got out.
Now me being the over thinker that I am, I started trying to rationalize this fear. and the only thing that I could even think of was my father. Now my father never abandoned me, my father never negleted me. But him and my mother did divorse when I was 7 or 8 years old. He moved out. He left me. I never knew till that moment last night that it effected me at all. I seen my father every other weekend and talked to him almost nightly on the phone. He was still in my life. But he still had left.
The other explaination that I had for this was that the Lord is preparing my heart and my mind to help with my duaghter. She is goign to be 3 in a month. Her father is barely in her life. In the last 4 months he's seen her 2x and one of the times was for 5 min. She is going to grow up with issues because of it. She is going to feel left or abandoned by her father and maybe even feel that its her fault or that she is less than perfect and thats why her father didnt want anything to do with her. It is the same with his other 3 daughters. None of them see their father. And I know at least one of his beautiful children wonders why, and to a point blames herself. Asks me why does my daddy hate me? Why doesnt he love me. I try and help and comfort her as much as I possibly can, but I do not understand it either. I do not understand how a man can leave and forget about something that he helped create.
I just pray that maybe one day he will wake up and realize his failure as a father before its too late.
I know God has me in the situation that I am in, that He has me feel the things I do, so I can better understand others and be there to help others thru any type of issues that they may be. I know that I over think and over analyze everything that happens in my life so that why I have a clearer picture on life and on Him.

*bing* and the light bulb turned on...

For at least the last 5years that I can remember everyonce in awhile I would get this overwhelming feeling of love... and normally when I felt this, I would immeidiately text my friends and tell them that I love them... or my boyfriend at the time...
Today at work, I am just sitting here and I got that feeling againg... but along with that feeling... I heard a voice say: thats not the love for you friends that you feel, its the love of God and the love for God.
Wow. It is amazing that it took me this long to figure something so simple out.

Praise Him!!

I am in love with my Lord!!

Is it time?

Time to go.
Time to run.
Time to stop.
Time to laugh.
Time to cry.
Time to love.
Time to hurt.
Time for patience.
Time for romance.
Time for death.
Time for life.
Time for me.
Time for YOU.

one of those weeks

Dear Diary,
Its been one of those weeks... If I am gonna go grey... this week definetely added a few extra (hundred) strands... and really I am not sure exactly why.
I think it started with my ex m-i-l being on vacat this week... She gets my son from school on Thursdays... so with her being gone.. I had to try and rearrange the scheduling.. which nomrally wouldnt be an issue.. I just would take a late lunch and I would pick him up myself... but I have a doc. appt.. that unless I want to go in at 645am on a Sunday.. I cant reschedule. So for some odd reason, this just screwed up my whole thought process for the week.
My bf and I were having a few issues too.... not really sure where its going.. but I guess we will see... Tuesday had a Tastefully Simple training... till late... having a Purse Party on Friday.. so been trying to get everything together for that...
I think I am just waaayy over thinking everything...
But I am hoping this weekend is going to be a good one... I am hoping that the party on Friday turns out pretty good... (esp. cuz I need the money)... that Saturday is relaxing and S's father actually comes and picks her up. and that Sunday is relaxing too....
I guess time will tell...