Different mindset on marriage

1/11/17

2016 was a rough year… but truthfully in the midst of all the negativity and struggles, there were a ton of blessings. And even though I feel like 2016 was a horrible year… truthfully- it was a blessed year and that is what I truthfully need to focus on.

The thing that is on my mind today is marriage. My marriage. Its been 2 ½ years so far… and boy was it a rough rollercoaster of a ride.  There were times that I worked my butt off trying to make everything work and then there were times that I seriously just wanted to give up and walk away. One thing I have learned here in the last few weeks- this marriage isn’t about me… it isn’t about my husband. It is about God.  My marriage is a reflection of God’s relationship with us. I am sure that there are many times that if God were human, he would just want to walk away from me and all of my flaw… but thank goodness, he is not human.  I need to reflect that kind of love and patience that the Lord has given to me, in my marriage. I need to show support and nurturing to my husband even when I don’t want to and even when I feel like he don’t deserve it.

I could sit here and list a million things that he does on a daily basis that I take as a personal assult on me, myself. But truthfully, its not. Its my hubby being human. Its him being exhausted, him being tired, him being hurried to be able to spend time with me and our family, its him just wanting to sit down and relax after a hard day at work.  Do I feel like the burden of the house and kids are on my shoulders? Yes. But I am sure he does too or has an equally heavy burden on his.

We all have good days and bad. And thankfully most of my bad days are matched by good days my husband is having. He equals me out. He is the yin to my yang so to speak. 

So the next time I just want to give up and walk away… I need to remember God’s love, patience and grace that he has extended to me- and extend it to my husband and be a reflection of my Lord for the world or at least my kids to see.

Blessings N Love

Overthinking Mama 

Our Christmas

I hate to say it, but I am thankful that this Christmas is over and that this year is almost over. 

This has been one hell of a year. I am trying to think of all the great things that have happened, but sometimes its hard. 

This Christmas was exceptionally hard for me, more than people know. I tried to put on a good front for the kids, but deep down inside I am broken. 

This is the first Christmas with out my dad being here. The first Christmas that he, my brother, and my step-grandma didn't come over for dinner and to open gifts together. Dealing with being heartbroken and everything else that was going on was almost too much. 

One week before Christmas, my car completely broke down. Wouldn't start. When we tried to jump it- the jumper cables caught on fire. Had to have it towed home then towed to the dealership to have it looked at- alternator is bad, battery is bad, serpantine belt is bad. Over $1000 worth of work.  God did bless us though. My mom bought me the battery as a Christmas gift. My husbands uncle offered to buy the alternator and serpantine belt for us and we can just pay him back when we have the money. He also put both of those on for me. 

So between the stress of that and trying to figure out how each of us was to get to work for a week, figuring out how to get money for repairs, and trying to figure out how we were going to buy Christmas gifts for our kids... and the fact that I was already depressed thinking about my dad. I didn't enjoy this Christmas as much as I have in the past. 

I know my father was there with us in spirit. I know he is watching down and smiling as all my kids opened their gifts and laughed at Madybear as she wanted to open everyones gifts. 

I know in years it will get easier. Still Sucks though. 

I hope everyone had a wonderful and blessed Christmas!! 

Blessing N Love
Overthinking Mama 

Renbug turns 10!!!

Where has the time gone!!?? 

Seriously! When did my first baby girl become 10years old!!!  Oh yea.. just yesterday. 

She is seriously so amazing!!  She has is my best friend and I hope that I am hers. She was my sole partner in crime, my inspiration, and my rock.  Because of her (and my son and my other girls) that I strive to be better. 

But it is because of her that I go above and beyond to make things work... to make up for the fact that her father is barely in her life.  

She has taught me so much in the past 10 years... She has shown me how strong I am. 

Thank you Renbug!

You are an amazing, beautiful, girl!! 

You will always be my baby girl! 

I love you! 


Blessings N Love 
Overthinking Mama 

Rambles and such

I have been wanting to post for forever.  

It always seems that as soon as I sit down to start writing, my mind just goes blank and my fingers just can't seem to move across the keyboard. So then I log out and go onto something else. 

My life motto seems to be anymore "Ready for the day to be done". 

I hate wishing my life away. I just so feel like I am stuck in a rut. Like I am in a big mud pit and my wheels just can't get traction. 

I feel like I am going through all the motions of every day life... but I just can't break free from this... this... plastic bag over my head... that I am slowly suffocating in. 

I don't know what to do or how to stop it.  

So many things in my life are not how I ever expected them to be right now. 

The one thing I know is that God has a plan for me... still not sure exactly what it is... but I know He's got one. I know that He loves me and is always with me through everything that I am going through. 

My husband keeps telling me that he  doesn't think I have full accepted my dad passing.. or that I have fully grieved.  Its like, I have greived as much as I can. I miss him terribly. I know he's not coming back.. it don't fully seem real, but I know it is. Death is a part of life.  But I can't stop for a moment to grieve.  I can't even get a day off to be sick with out the house falling apart lol.  I can't allow myself to wallow is sadness and depression... and that is super hard. 

I am depressed. I am on meds and they help tons, but I am still depressed. I think that is part of the reason that I feel the way I do... like I am stuck in a rut... because its like I am always in this thick fog of depression. And I don't know maybe its as bad as it is because of my dad passing... but I really think there is a lot more too it. 

This has been the first Major Holiday with out my dad. It was really hard.  Normally the day after Thanksgiving I had my dad and our grandma over for dinner. I cook a big turkey with all the fixins. And this year I just didn't do it.  I had to work anyway... but I just don't think I could do it. On my facebook time line it keeps showing me the pics of my dad at thanksgiving at my house. Its sad. I miss him a lot. 

I feel like, if I could just get a day or two alone... at home...  no kids, no husband- just me. And I could clean, organize, purge, nap, rest, be with God.... that maybe my mind and my heart with get aligned a little bit better and I could get out of this fog...  But that is not going to happen any time soon... so I just have to make due with what I get. 

Anywho... I need to get to work and get things done. 

Thank you for listening to me ramble on... 

Blessings N Love
Overthinking Mama 

Dear Daddy 10/22/16

Its been over 2 months since you passed.

It still doesn't seem real.

We have your house almost all cleaned out now.... and every time I leave, a little piece of my heart breaks more.

I still want to call you and tell you things.. I still want to cook a ton of food because I will bring you the left overs.

I have brought home a bunch of your things... so I have little reminders of you all over my house.

It still doesn't seem real..

I miss you so much dad.
Why did you have to leave so soon... I know you were ready. You were tired and always in pain. I know you are in a better place now... I know you are with your wife and your family.

Not a days goes by that I don't miss you... that I dont think about you.

I love you daddy.

Rain Rain

Its a rainy Saturday morning here. The breeze is cool and it smells lovely!

PeyPey is at his dads for the weekend and hubby is at work, so its just me and the girls right now.
Madybear is still sleeping, Lilybee is playing with a toy car on the floor and the big girls are playing on tablets on the couch.

I am sitting in my chair, sipping on my coffee (first cup I have made in a week!) and just taking it all in and hoping that this headache goes away soon.


There is so much I want to try and get done today... put laundry away, cook dinner, clean the kitchen (which is in the middle of being demo'd), clean the hallway, the bedroom, the bathroom.  I wanted to get the back yard cleaned up some too, but the rain isn't going to let that happen. I mean I could go out and do it in the rain, but then I might melt, so that wouldn't be good.

My family needs me. lol I learned that this week. I had the flu for 5 days. So for 5 days, nothing got done. Nothing got cleaned. Nothing got cooked, laundry only got done on day 5 when I was starting to feel better and took it to my moms and she helped (well really did most of it) me with it all. (laundry room is also being demo'd)

My whole kitchen is completely in shambles. I have no counter top... I have no cabinets. I am missing a wall. I have no water. But the end product will be great and it will all be worth it!!  Till then I have to try not let it stress me out and make me wanna kill my husband and kids. lol

Alright, guess its time to get up and moving and the day started...

Blessings N Love
Overthinking Mama

Hardest time in my life thus far

I have to say this past month has been one of the hardest in my life.

My father passed away August 7th.

He called me up on the 2nd and said he wasn't really feeling well and that he thought his sugar had dropped and didnt want to be alone. So, I went over to his house and picked him and brought him to my house. We had dinner with him. Steak, Mashed potatoes, and corn on the cob.  Never would have thought this would be his last meal or that this would be the last time I would ever get to share a meal with my father. I took him home after dinner since he was feeling better. About an hour or so later, he called me up and said that he needed to go to the ER. He was bleeding badly from his rectum. So up the the ER we went. He was admitted since he had lost so much blood and they couldn't figure out the cause or how to stop it.  I didn't think too much of it. He was always strong and pulled through everything. The next day we went up to the hospital after dinner to visit with him. They had gotten his permission to intabate him and do a colonoscopy. I would never see my father fully conscious again. They did the procedure to no avail. They decided he needed to go a more specialized hospital. So he was life flighted to UH Cleveland. We drove out there and stayed with him as much as we were aloud as they did tests, procedures and explained everything that they were planning on doing.  Finally about 4am we decided to go home, with the promise of the nurse that they would call me immediately if anything changed.

The next day we went up to see him after my sister got into town.  Everything was just about the same. They were going to try new procedure and test to get to the root of the issues.  He was still intabated.

Friday as I was getting ready to head up to see him, my husband called and was told that he needed to get to the hospital immediately because his GreatMom (great grandma) was dying. We rushed up there and spent most of the day.  We came home and got word that they were planning on taking my dad off the ventalator, the bleeding had stopped and he didn't need the vent anyway. So we grab my son and head up there. He was some what awake when we got there. He was very groggy and out of it, but he knew we were there. He was joking with us and everything. We stayed awhile and then went to get dinner.

The next morning we decided since he was doing better we were going up to see him in the morning for a bit and then go to a concert that we had tickets for since Christmas in the afternoon.  We went up to see him and he seemed more out of it than the day before. We talked to the nurse and he assured me that it was something that happens from time to time and it was nothing to worry about.  My sister was planning on going up in the afternoon to be with him. We headed to the concert and got a call from my husbands family that Greatmom had a stroke. We headed to her hospital.  She was stable and ok when we got there. We visited for a bit and then headed up to the concert.

Sunday morning I woke up to many voicemails from the hospital. I never took my phone off vibrate when I got home that night. My father took a turn for the worse. They had to put him back on the ventalator to keep him stable. His heart had stopped multiple times throughout the night for a couple minutes at a time but it started back up on its own. (he had a dnr) We rush up to the hospital and was told pretty much the ventalator was keeping him alive. I made the decision to take him off since his wishes were to not be on that. He didnt want to be a vegitable kept alive by machines. We waited till his family and friends were able to come up and say their good byes.
And then they took him off.  He lived for maybe 20 minutes before his heart finally gave out.

I will never forget that morning.  I will never forget the way my dad looked. I will never forget that morning.

Pretty much what had happened was that he had a burst artery in his intestines. Normally that wouldnt be a big deal, it would clot and stop bleeding. But he was on asprin to thin his blood and also blood thinners. So it never clotted. They took him off the meds for that, gave him platelets and his blood clotted and he stopped bleeding.  But, his heart wasn't good. He had a 98% blocked artery and also a 100% blocked on and a few others that weren't open very well either... so now that his blood was thicker- it couldn't get passed the blockages and his heart couldn't handle it.

My father was an amazing man.

I will never forget this. I will never forget him.

I love you Daddy.

Blessing N Love
Overthinking Mama