As I sit here staring out the window I wonder what she’s doing. I wonder if she’s thinking about him as much as I am. I wonder if they are together. I can’t think about that. I just can’t… Crap. I did. I try and hold back a sniffle. I try and discreetly wipe away that tear. I can’t cry over him. He chose who he wanted. I hope no one sees me crying. I don’t want their sympathy. I don’t want their questions. It’s my own fault. I knew I would never be good enough for him. But why did he act like he cared then?? Why did he make me feel like I had a chance?! I wish he would have just kept on ignoring me. I wish I wouldn’t have been in the library that day. Man. I remember that day like it was yesterday.
It was like every other Sunday. I was at the library studying for my classes. It was a cold Sunday. It was raining hard. I was sopping wet by the time I walked from my dorm room. I hated that I couldn’t study in my own room. But Christy always had someone over. They were always giggling about boys… or about me. And my big glasses or my frizzy brown hair. How I would never have a boyfriend and would probably be an old cat lady. They didn’t care if I could hear them. I learned to tune them out most of the time. But I tried to stay away as much as possible anyway. Well thinking back.. I guess it wasn’t like every other Sunday. Christy was crying this Sunday. Her friends were there comforting her. Jack just broke up with her. Secretly I was happy. It’s what she deserved. She was so snobbish when it came to him, expected him to cater to her every demand. It was pathetic. I felt sorry for him. And he was so hot. Had to definitely be the hottest guy I had ever seen, but then again, I came from an all girl’s school.
That Sunday I was sitting there minding my business and Jack came in. He sat at the table right next to me, not even noticing or glancing my way. Why should he. I am just a nerd. He was studying too.. He kept stopping and putting his head in his hands… then he started talking to himself, saying he just will never get this stuff. I don’t know what came over me… but I spoke up. I asked him what he was having problems with. He replied algebra. I told him I could help him with that. I love algebra. Yea he looked at me like I was crazy. It was fine. He looked at me. I moved over to his table and we chatted. I explained. It was wonderful. Then he said he had to go, thanks. And he was gone.
The next Sunday I went to the library again with the hopes he would be there. Christy was on to the next boy. Well sorta. She said she was doing it just to make Jack jealous. I hoped it wouldn’t work. I sat there at my table trying to study, but every time the door opened I had to look up with hopes he would be there… finally he was. He was so happy. He ran over to my table and told me that he got a B on his test. He’s never got a B before. He said he owed me a pizza at least. So we went to a lil pizzeria off campus. I knew he didn’t want to be seen with me. He denied it though. We chatted all night long. I told him about my childhood and the all girls’ school. How my mom was an alcoholic and my dad just ignored everything especially me because I was too much like my mom. He told me about how his mom shot herself when he was 2 because his little brother drowned in the bath tube while she was supposed to give him a bath. She went to the hall to grab her cigarettes and when she got back, it was too late. I know I sat there like a little school girl with a huge smile on my face the whole time. It was a dream come true. When we left, he asked if I would continue to help him with his algebra. We could meet at the pizzeria every Sunday and study. Of course I agreed. Soon the every Sunday turned into Sundays and Wednesdays and I was helping him with his French too. He would put his arm around me and cuddle with me while we were studying. And then it happened… we were just chatting and he looked at me. stared deep into my eyes. He gently put his hand on my chin and moved my face towards his and he kissed me. It was my first kiss and it was wonderful. We kept kissing. It felt so good. He said we should leave, go somewhere to be alone. I said ok. My head was still spinning that someone kissed me… not just someone JACK kissed me!! ME!!
We got in his car and went to the lake. He parked right on the beach and turned the radio on. He looked at me again and then kissed me… he kept kissing me and his hand moved from my shoulder to my breast… oh if felt so nice, I didn’t want him to stop so I told him not to.
That night I lost my virginity, in the back of his Ford Focus. And it was wonderful. And he never spoke to me again. It still hurts. After that night Christy and Jack were back together. He comes up to our room all the time. He acts like I don’t even exist. I guess its all back to reality. I can’t help but think about it. Wonder if I even meant anything to him. In my head I did. In my reality I didn’t.
Blessing N Love
Overthinking Mama
