To Him I am perfect

As I get up from my desk and quietly walk to the bathroom.. I hope my coworkers don’t here the little sniffle sounds my nose is making. I don t want them to know I am crying. I don’t want them to know how weak I am at times. I don’t want them to look down on me or feel sorry for me…

I hurry in to the bathroom and make sure the doors closed and locked.  And I collapse. I sit down on the floor of the bathroom… not even caring at that moment that it may be dirty. I just need to sit.  And I weap.  I weap and I am not even sure exactly what I am weaping for.  This is the 2^nd time today. I read something on line and I start crying… I read about a loving husband and wife.. and I start to cry… 

I prayed for the Lord to make my heart soft.. and that He did today… 

I just keep thinking about my life.. and I trying so hard not to focus on what I don’t have right now.. and focus on the Lord… that is my continued prayer… to keep my focus on him and nothing else…  I keep slipping from that tho…

I need to be patient… and I am trying really hard to be… but days like today… Its hard. Days like today I just want someone to hold me… just hold me.   

But I will go back to focusing on my love for the Lord. He loves me. And that is enough.

To Him I was worth it. To Him I am perfect.

God Bless

Overthinking Mama 

I am not perfect

I hate when people tell me that I think I am perfect!  I am far from perfect… I could give you a whole long list of all the ways I am so not perfect… and honestly I will be the first one to tell you how I am not perfect. 

I lost my virginity at 13 years old!! To a boy that never spoke to me again after that day… oh and he stole my pager that same day!

I hated school… I would fake sickness, headaches, cramps, whatever I could to miss school.  And make my mom late for work and stress her out.

I cheated on my ex husband. 

I hurt him beyond words (my ex-husband)  and I divorsed him because I was selfish and I wasn’t willing to try and make it work… It was easier to just walk away.

I wasn’t a good mom when I was going thru my divorce. I was very selfish then.

I have slept too easily with too many people.

I have lied.

I have hurt people.

I have done wrong.

But I know what I did… I try hard not to do those things again. I don’t think I am better than any one else…  and I sure don’t think I am perfect…

I am learning from my mistakes… I am trying to do better by them.. and if in someones eyes that makes me perfect.. than thank you for the compliment, but I am far from it.

I just want the best for me… and the best for my family.  I am not going to settle for anything less then the best.  

Period.

God Bless

Overthinking Mama