A very hard day!

I didn’t realize how hard yesterday was going to be.

Let me fill ya in. Less than a month ago, my step-mom was diagnosed with stage 3 lung cancer. Tuesday of this week she went in for her first radiation treatment. Wednesday she went to the ER because she was having trouble breathing and was coughing up blood. They admitted her, found she has a blockage in her lungs and fluid is backing up.  They put her in a induced coma, and put a tube down her throat to help her breath and help drain out all the fluid.  She is supposed to go to a different hospital for surgery as soon as there is a bed ready for her.

I went up yesterday to see her. I dropped my daughter off with my sister and she took her over to our grandmas where my dad and our other sister was and I headed up to the hospital to see her… alone. This is something that I would never recommend doing..if you are ever in this situation, please take someone with you for support. I was lucky enough to have a really nice/kind nurse walk in and hug me and comfort me and even tried to make me laugh by making fun of me for wearing winter boots when its 75 degrees outside (in my defence it was like 40 when I left for work in the morning and I really didn’t have any other shoes that I felt like wearing) 

I was nervous to begin with going up to the hospital. I hadn’t been to this hospital in probably 10 years. Not since my dad had back surgery when I was in high school. I hate going to new places, especially alone and trying to find my way around. But I made it. I found the MICU area and I found her room.  I was fighting back tears all the way there but I did manage to hold my composure. When I got in the room and see her though… I couldn’t be the strong girl anymore… I started crying..  I didn’t know it would be so hard to see her laying there… asleep… with tubes in her mouth, down her throat breathing for her, sucking out all of the nasty black liquid/blood from her lungs, seeing her catheter tube draining all the dark cloudy urine in to the bag.  Hearing the machine whizzing next to her bed pumping air in and out of her lungs for her… the IV machines filling her veins with the medicines to help keep her hydrated and fight any infections… the monitors beeping, taking her pulse, her temperature, her blood pressure. It was overwhelming.  I didn’t realize it would be that hard.. I didn’t think I would be that emotional. 

I have never been in that situation before. I have never dealt with anything like this. I have had friends/coworkers go thru similar situations and I have tried to sympathize with them, almost picturing and feeling the pain and sorrow that they felt… but I had no idea until that moment yesterday, that I was no where close to realizing the dept of that sadness, of that worry.  I didn’t know- until I was in there place how they feel.

I am praying for my step mom. For my dad and for all of our family. I am praying that she can beat this. I am praying that all will be well. And I am praying for the strength for everyone to be able to handle anything and everything that may be “throw” at us in the upcoming hours/days/weeks/months.

God Bless

Overthinking Mama