From my friend:
As the days go on my heart gets heavier and heavier. What is the meaning to all this I ask myself. Is this a test to see if I can still luv or am I doomed to b a heartless creature? What else is goin to b thrown in mt face each day? I can't get no serenity in this fucked up god forsaken world. I have no answers and I feel like I can't get no resolution at all. No matter how much I try and give I just can't let go. Y does god torture my heart like this? What have I done so bad that I can't even get a good nites rest no more. What is there left for me? What is there left OF me? To many qusetions and no answers. I'm tryin to change myself so the rest of the world will b happy with me. I just wanna know how much longer this is gonna go on. I don't know if I can do it anymore or even if I want to. I really do hate bein me all the time. I need to move and find a new life for myself that way I can get away from insanity. Till nxt time......
my reply:
first of all.. even if you move... all the same issues that you are having now will be there... being in this sucky town doesnt have to do with YOU. it may not make things as easy as they could be... but you cant use that as an excuse.. i think you are a lot like me.. you find people to love that need something... you dont do it on purpose... and its just how things seem to work out... but you want someone that needs you in someway... or that you need them in someway... you will never be a heartless creature... thats not you... i am learning that some people just cant let go... i have people in my past.. guys that i have dated... years ago.. for a short time... that to a point i still love... i still get that sweet/sick feeling when i think about them.. or see a picture of them... we are just softhearted emotional beings me and you... the things you need to change... are things that you may not even realize yet... and im not even sure what all it is... i think you are a great guy. you have some issues.. everyone does... but you need to set the issues aside in future relationship and be with the person you are with.. not the past... the past will always affect you, your heart, and your mind... but you also have to realize that the person you are with is not your past.. its your present.. and also possibly your future. things will get better... i can see you growing and maturing before my eyes... i feel like our friendship has definetely grown too. quit trying to change yourself for the world.. for someone... you will never be happy. you need to change for you... you need to write down what you want... what you dont want.. and what you will never on God's green earth accept... whether its in a person.. a love, a friend, a job, a house ect... and never stray from that list... unless its something YOU want... not what someone else wants...
i know you want answers... we all do... all i can say is pray. it may not not come quick.. and it may not come in the form that you may think... but God does answer your prayers... I can see Him answering mine... You need to become aware of your blessings... you need to realize the great things in your life... your mom, dad, sister,your nephew, me, job, friends, family... etc... and even small things that you dont think amount to much... the green lights on the way to work... the sale on cigarettes down at the corner... the lil old woman who just smiled at you as you walked past... dont dwell on the negativity... when someones an asshole around you.. laugh at them... rise above their pettyness... when car cuts you off.. just realize that maybe they need to get somewhere quicker than you... when you hear someone complaining in a store.. just realize that maybe theyve just had a really bad day... don't take these things to heart and def. dont react to them.. its not worth it... stop.. take a deep breath.. and think of how lucky you are.. you need to change the way you look at things... the world aint out to get you... but you do need to learn from your life... otherwise.. whats the point.. just to sit here and have fun and do nothing? no God put us on this earth for His glory... to show us goodness.. and even bad.. so we can learn.. so we can evolve... but its up to us to make those choices... to choose the good over the bad.. to choose to be happy... and no you wont be able to be happy 24/7 no one can... but when you feel NOT happy... you need to stop what you are doing.. take some time for you... find something that relaxes you.. video games, a book, a hot shower, a walk, a friend, whatever... and relax... and things eventually get better... but only if you let it.
wow... i dont even know where i went with all that.. or if it will help.... but i hope it will...
