and on with the battle

Not exacting sure how coherant this blog post will be... I am getting sick or my allergies that I just started having.. are acting up... but I am wanting to post.. I have stuff I want to say.. but even as I type a word on here... and erase it again.. and again.. I am wondering if this will even make sence when i hit the publish post button.. but I guess we shall see...

I think of myself as having unwaviering faith... that no matter what the situation..I always have faith in my Lord that things will work it. That He has a master plan for all that is happening.. and that everything has a purpose and that there is a lesson behind everything...

But sometimes I wonder about my faith.. This will be the first time I have ever mentioned anything like this to any one.. about my thoughts...
I am not sure why I do have the thoughts in my head that I do. I am not sure why I have the doubts in my head that I do... I know I think way to much, and I definetely over analyze everything way to much... I know this.. but in away I do enjoy it.. but then also it is my own little personal hell...
Almost on a daily basis, I do wonder not so much that there is a God.. I believe there is 100%. But I wonder if He is as we make him out to be.
A long standing argument that my ex and I had was over the bible. He didnt belive in it too much... That it was written by man.. yes God infulenced.. but still written by man. How do we know that the bible isnt biased? How do we know that it just isnt that one persons view on what was going on? And when the preacher is preaching.. it is his interpretation of what the bible says... How do we know that it is right? And to a point I completely see his argument. How do we know that what we hear in Church is the truth? How do we know that the man standing up front of the church is telling us the truth? or that he isnt up there giving us "his version" of the truth?
Another constant battle that goes on in my head... and I went into this in a previous post... Is how do I know that what I am thinking, that what I am feeling, that what I am wanting, and then what the outcome ends up being, are from God? How do I know that me doing this one thing, or dating this one person, or talking to this other person is from God? How do I know that it isnt the devil interferring in my life... leading me down a path that I unknowingly head, and it ends up in hell? How do I know answers to my prayers are from God? How do I know that they are not evil?
There are definetely somethings that go on in my life that I can completely see as the devil doing his work. And somethings that I see the Lord. but there a lot of times that I am confused on the whole thing... Like my relationship right now with my boyfriend... I love him so much. He has been my best friends for a very long time... We are good together. And he is one of the few men I have ever been with that I feel I can really completely talk to and be myself around and not have a fear that I am being judged, scrutinized or that anything I say will come back in the future and held against me. But he is not a Christian. He has gone to church with me, he has gone to bible study with me, and has said that he will go again and has even said that he is gonna tke me on the days that I dont go. But I wonder about the whole thing.. is this something that God wants me in? I know there is a reason for it all.. but I wonder...
And there are many other instances in my life where I wonder if this is the situation that God wants me in? But then I think about Job. He had faith like no other man. And the devil came in and tried to test his faith and get him to turn away from the Lord. So maybe things that I question are tests for me. Tests to make my faith stronger not weaker..
I do know that the Lord has a great plan for me... an ever changing plan but a plan non-the- less. And I just need to keep my faith and know that God is there... even in my doubt.

The Lord replied, "If you have faith the size of a mustard seed, you could say to this mulberry tree, 'Be uprooted and planted in the sea,' and it would obey you! Luke 17:6