New Journey

I have been doing a lot of self reflecting the past few weeks mainly because I was torn down by a man I left into my life and  gave a little piece of my heart to.  I know that God brought this man into my life tho for a good reason. It was because I needed to be broke down so I would realize a lot of different things about my life. I believe this man could have expressed things a lot differently than he did. But it is what it is. I can not change that.  But what I can change, is my future. 

You have already probably noticed some of the recent blog post about me, my life, and my faith… there will be more to come as I go thru this journey of self discovery!! J

Blessings N  Love

Overthinking Mama

marriage

I was reading in my devotional about marriage.  I got married when I was 23 and divorced at 24.  The marriage lasted a year, but we were separated after 4 or 5 months. We had dated since I was 15. 8 years together!!!! And I couldn’t even make a marriage work.  I feel like a failure.

                

I didn’t even give our marriage a chance.  It wasn’t the fairy tale I wanted. So I left. I wasn’t receiving the attention I wanted from my husband. Wasn’t receiving the feelings I wanted and when I started to get them from some one else, I gave up everything for that. I wanted to go out and party and just have fun.  I failed.

The next relationship I was in after my marriage, I was bound and determined to make work. And I ended up staying in an emotionally abusive relationship for a year and a half because I didn’t want to be that failure again.  It eventually ended but it took me 4years after that to fully be able to remove my heart off of that man.  We kept going back and forth to “see’ if it would work. It never did and my heart got broke more times than I would ever want to realize.  But I will say this. God used that brokenness to pull me to Him! With out that, I wouldn’t be saved. I wouldn’t have the faith I have now! 

Every relationship with a man has failed since my marriage.  Every relationship I have walked away from. Every relationship the Lord showed me what wasn’t right. And I walked away.  And to a point I still feel like a failure.  I can’t make a simple relationship work. 

But in reality, I was taking the control of finding a mate into my own hands and going against the intuitions that the Lord gave me and persued something that I knew wouldn’t work. 

I am learning I need to put God at the center of the relationship. Which is really hard for me because I have NEVER had that in any relationship that I have had.  I never saw that in any marriage I witnessed. I didn’t grow up in a home where God was the center of it all.  So its hard for me to know what to do. But I am bound and determined to change that.

When it comes to marriage God needs to be in it.  Period. And if he’s not. We will not survive. I will not survive. I am realizing that more and more. Realizing the mistakes I made in my previous marriage and past relationships.  This time around, its all in God’s hands. 

As hard as it is and as much as I struggle with it, Its in God’s hands. He will bring my husband into my life, When HE is ready. And even tho my heart yearns to have someone, I have to keep my faith.

Blessings N Love

Overthinking Mama

depleated

I woke up this morning feeling very down and sad.  I didn’t want to get out of bed, but I did because the kids want breakfast. I had planned to make French Toast for them.. and I get in the fridge only to realize that there was no eggs. L No French toast. 

I just feel depleated. 

I have no motivation for anything today and feel very overwhelmed.  My house is a disaster. I have laundry everywhere that needs to be picked up, washed and put away.  I need to get my son to baseball in an hour and I haven’t even showered yet. At some point I have to go to my dads and change the dressing on his foot.  I have to take my son out to his dad at some point.  And I just don’t see me getting things done. Yet here I sit on my computer venting things away.  I just had my time with God and it helped me think of things.. I need to just put it all in his control.  What doesn’t get done, doesn’t get done.  It will be ok.  I need to get back to making my lists. 

I feel like there is so much I need to change in my life… and I am not completely sure where to start… and I am scared to death about it too…. Because I fear with this change… I am going to lose a lot friends in my life.  But I guess then if the friends leave, they really weren’t friends to begin with right?? But that doesn’t make it feel any better.

Maybe its just the depression talking.  I know in the end it will be ok. No it will be more than ok. It will be great!

Blessings N Love

Overthinking Mama 

Realization Friday

Its Friday!!! I will get to leave early!  I am going to a concert! Going to see Eric Church and Brantley Gilbert! I am so excited!!!

This week I have come to realize:

~that I have so much that I want to say… but haven’t been able to for the words to express it.

~ that I am getting super annoyed with some people in my life anymore…

~ that I think its time I back away some.

~ that I need to focus more on my Lord and my family over anything else in my life.

~ that I may have dreams of my own, but the Lord’s dreams for me are even more powerful.

~  that God has brought some amazing people into my life.

~ that I love being able to see where and how God’s working in my life…  I love seeing and feeling his love.

~ That the next 30yrs of my life are going to be even more awesome than the last 30!!!

Have a great weekend!!!

Blessings N Love

Overthinking Mama

                 

His Plan

This morning like all others, I had some time with God…  and of course I got this urge to write something… tho once again, I am not really sure what I am supposed to write.

This past week I have been struggling with what the Lord wants me to do… what the plan is for me.  My dream is that of a typical girl… meet my prince charming… fall in love, get married and live happily ever after… have some kids, me be able to be with them and not working my life away… to make a loving home for the kids and my husband.. be the Proverbs 31 woman.  But after this week, I am really starting to doubt that is part of my plans… and its heartbreaking because it is something that I want with my whole heart and soul… but I think God has a different plan for me.  I think he wants me to remain single.   

About two years ago, I felt the Lord encouraging me to start up a singles group… A support group of sorts where Christian singles that are struggling with being single and trying to find the person they are meant to be with… struggles they may have with drugs, alcohol, sex, lust, porn and whatever else they may struggle with..  I talked to my pastor (at the old church) about starting a singles group… He told me that it was very very hard to start a group like that and then kinda just blew me off… after that… I stopped going to church for awhile. I also met a man shortly after that and we started dating. (for a little over a year) and I kinda pushed that dream away. This past few months I started feeling that urge again… but I tried to just ignore it and go on with my life.  I felt him talking to me about a few other things also.. but that is a whole other topic. Lol.  But the Lord def has a plan for me and even if I am not going the path he wants.. he will find a way to get me back there. Lol This past week I have became single again…  and even tho it was really hard and I am still hurting… I do know that its all part of God’s plan. 

I don’t really know where to go or how to start.. but I know this singles group is something that need to be organized and put together. I strongly feel that there is a need for it.  And I am going to keep praying on it and listen to the Lord.. and go where he needs me to go.  In the next few weeks, I will be emailing my pastor and also talking with some of the people that I know and ask for advice, prayer, and encouragement. This is out of my element.. out of my comfort zone…but I know its where God is sending me.

This is my favorite passage: (the only one that I really know by heart)

Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and lean not on your own understanding.

Proverbs 3:5

Blessings N Love

Overthinking Mama

Realizaton Friday

Its Friday!!!  I am so so so happy for this week to be done!!! Yay!!!

Thanks for everyone who sent me a realization!! J

This week I have come to realize:

~ life is no fairy tale… and sometimes prince charming ends up.. not. Lol.

~  I have some of the greatest friends in the worlds

~ that aaahh… I liked going to the shooting range and shooting the target paper! Lol. it was fun!

~ that I kinda want to go hunting.  J

~ that I am probably just going to be single forever. Lol.

~  that I am glad things happened they way they did. I am def realized so much this week! 

~ that the Lord always has a plan.. and sometimes if we try and divert from that plan.. he will let us be knocked down a peg to get us back onto that plan.

Hope ya’ll have a great weekend!!! I am going to try! 

Blessings N Love

Overthinking Mama

My Mama Style

My- MAMA Style

Top- Target- $8.99

Jeans- Charlotte Russe- Refuge $34.99

Undertank- ???- $5.99

Shoes- Burlington Coat Factory- $9.99

Scarf- ??? - 7.99

(sorry not the greatest pics :-( ) 

Blessings N Love

Overthinking Mama

Realization Friday

o.m.g. (oh. My. Gosh.)  I am so happy its Friday. This week has flown by tho.  So I am thankful for that… and so thankful for my Lord for getting me out of the funk I was in last week…  sometimes you need the tear to cleanse your eyes so you can truly see again!!

This week I have come to realize:

~ that in order to truly be happy- my focus needs to be on the Lord and not so much on life.

~ that things never turn out the way you want them to.

~ that life is a roller coaster at times.

~ communication is key to everything… with out it you are just stuck on stupid.

~ lists are very important!!

~ I need to get a good bible study guide and a new devotional. (any suggestions??)

~ that I seriously dislike having to call people.

~ I need to get into YOGA. I want to be able to obtain my dream to be a Christian Yoga Instructor.

~ sometimes I feel people look down on me…  Im 30 with an almost 10 year old,  not married. 2 kids.  But ya know what??!!!  Im a kick ass woman!! Period.  The Lord has made me who I am, brought me to where I am.  Im supporting my family. I own my own home.  Been at the same job for 8 yrs now.  I may not be the ideal woman… nor I may not be where I wanted to be by this point in my life.  But I am here. I did it with out a man’s help or my parents help (financially).  I am strong. I am beautiful.  I am the woman God created, every single day I am becoming the woman he wants me to be.

Have a great weekend ya’ll!!!

Blessings N Love

Overthinking Mama

My- Mama Style

My- MAMA Style

Shirt- Thrifted- 3.99

Undertank- ??-$5.99

Jeans- Refuge-Charlotte Russe $35.00

Shoes- Christmas Gift

Socks- (knee high) Christmas gift (years ago)

Scarf- Target- 7.99

Blessings N Love

Overthinking Mama

a night of little sleep...

Last night was a rough night. L This past week has been a really rough one… I sit here and wonder if it will ever get easier… when will the constant battles end… and in reality they wont. They will always be present in my life. That is the devil working with me… pulling me away from the Lord.  The thing that will change in my life… is how I react to the battles. I need to quit trying to do it all alone.  And even tho I constantly pray and say that I am putting it in God’s hands… I reality, I am not… I am holding all of that in… inside of me and letting it bring me down… let it tire me out… let it turn me into a person that I don’t like.  

Starting today… I am going to change that. Now I know that I won’t be perfect after this… I know I will still get down and have bad days….but I will not let the devil win.

Last night I literally cried myself to sleep .  I don’t think I finally feel asleep till after 3… this morning I didn’t want to get up… I just wanted to stay in bed… and ignore life.  But as a mother of two wonderful kids… and having my son’s bff over… I had to get up. So I did. I made some coffee and then sat down… asked the kids for a few moments of uninterrupted time so I could regroup and spend some time with God… something that I really haven’t done in a while.  And I needed it!  The Lord is so good!!!!  As always, he spoke to me… and I was down so far that I was able to hear and be open.  He showed me

Hebrews 13:5 Keep you lives free from the love of money and be content with what you have.

The prayer in the devotional that I found that passage in:

 Dear Lord, I want contentment in the depth of my soul, but I fall into the trtap of believeing things will make me happy. Then I feel frustrated and confused. Show me the areas of my life I am trying to fill with something for someone other than YOU. I want lasting contentment that comes from knowing and beling loved by you. Help me recognize and want all I have in Christ. In Jesus’ name Amen.

(from the P31 Women’s devotions Gods Purpose for every woman)

That hit the nail on the head. Perfectly.

I have been focusing on things in my life that I want better…   a bigger house… more time in the day…  a husband at home to help with life…  because I felt with these things, the overwhelming feelings I had with everything else in my life… would go away.  And maybe to a point it would make life easier.  But in reality… that’s not this moment.  No point in sitting here focusing on what I don’t have… what I can’t do… I need to focus on what I can do… with the Lord! 

Life is hard right now… I have the weight of my own home/family on my shoulders and the responsibility of my father too…  There are so many days that I just want to scream… And there are days that I actually do scream!! Lol.   But after I scream, instead of remaining focused on the negative… I need to start praying. Stopping what I am doing and regroup. Pray. And focus on what I can do.  The Lord is with me thru all of this. He is there with me thru this… and I will get thru it… learn from it and be better because of it. 

Life’s not really going to get any easier. There are too many things in my life that can not be changed right now… but it is my moment… to turn to the Lord for my strength… to be the person I long to be.  To grow from this.  And to be the woman/mom/daughter/sister/friend that the Lord has destined me to be.  And sometimes it takes moments in the dark to be able to see the light… because if we are constantly surrounded by things in life that illuminating brightness… we might miss that light that the Lord emits and end up blinded.  

Blessings N Love

Overthinking Mama

a year

I have been sitting here thinking back on the past year of my life….  It has def. been up and down. I put that wall up around my heart just about this time last year.

It was Feb 12^th that B and I split. Things were strained on us and the LD part of it was really hard, especially with EVERYTHING going on in my life.  We didn’t end the greatest (via text message in the middle of an argument) but some how over the next few weeks we began talking again and are now at least friends.   I had so much going on in my life at that time that I really didn’t have time to mourn over the loss of our relationship.  My stepmom had fallen that day and we spent most of the day up at the hospital with her.  The 14^th my daughters father had surgery on his foot and I was the lucky one to take him for all of that and while he’s in surgery rush back to Lil Man’s school for his Valentine’s Day party. It was a very Long Day to say the least.

The next few months were bumpy to say the least.  Well honestly the next almost year was bumpy.  I met/ talked to a few guys…and got very hurt by one guy in particular, mainly because he was the one guy that I assumed would NEVER hurt me. 

I found a new church that I abosultely love… but even still my spiritual motivation struggled and there was a few months I didn’t go to church at all. I still prayed all the time because honestly, I don’t think I could live with out praying.  But I am just now in the last couple months getting back to where I want to be… and I know I have a long road ahead of me there but I know God is here with me guiding me along with that.

This past summer I partied a little too hard… I think mainly to avoid the lonely feelings that I constantly had.  To try and make myself feel happy… but in reality it was all a lie.  When it came down to it, I felt empty.  

October came along and my step mom past away. I didn’t realize how hard it was on me. I backed away from almost everyone. I felt even more alone.  But instead of turning to partying… I turned to focusing on my family and the very close few friends that I knew were there for me not matter what.  

So hear I am now… trying to regroup and get my life to where I want it to be. So that is what this upcoming year is going to be all about. I need to stick thru it.  Less partying it up…  and more family time.  I may lose some friends over this.. but in reality they aint the friends I need.  I need to talk to an old friend from church one of these days soon and  find out about our old bible study group and see if she’s still going.  Sadly as much as I love my new church… going to the bible study groups is a little too much for me. Its far and with everything else in life… its just not the best option for me right now… and if she’s not going to that bible study anymore.. than I will find one.. some way some how. 

I need to focus on the Lord more… I have been made to realize that even tho I say I am a Christian.. I am not living the way I should in a lot of aspect of my life…  and I need to better myself with that.  And that’s where I will be going with life in 2012.  I have started reorganizing and decluttering my home… and next will be my daily routine and my head.  I need to get myself and my family on some kind of schedule again. One we really haven’t been on for over a year and a half now.   I need to be the parent my kids deserve.

Blessings N Love

Overthinking Mama

Realization Friday

Its Friday!!! Thank goodness… this week has seriously seemed to drag!!!  I am so glad it’s the weekend!!!  

Well the realizations have kinda sucked this week… I can’t remember the good ones… and I haven’t had any sent into me… PEOPLE!! Send me your realizations!!! overthinkingmama@gmail.com

This week I have come to realize:

~ that sometimes life is harder than we ever thought possible…

~ that sometimes I feel like my life right now… is just the waiting period for the real life I should have to start…

~ that I suck at remember my realizations

~ that I have been in a funk the past few weeks… I need to break that cycle

~ that I obviously aint as important to some of my friends and they are too me…  maybe its time to change that.

~ that it always kinda freaks me out when someone says my name in a sentence… lol.

Hope ya’ll have an absolutely amazing weekend!!!

Blessings N Love

Overthinking Mama 

Well, In case you didn’t know… I have met someone!! YAY!!

I did the whole online dating site thing for a few months (from like Sept- Dec). Prayed A LOT about it and kinda left it into God’s hands.  I went on some dates. Met some great guys.  Met some crazy ones too.  I didn’t let my heart nor my head control my choices and my emotions but I left all that up to God.  I prayed for him to open my heart when the right man came along. So with all of those great guys (and thankfully the crazy ones too) , I didn’t really feel anything… I saw them in a different light. Saw their issues.. the red flags and because my heart wasn’t involved in it… I was able to make a rational choice and move on.   The middle of December I decided I was done. I was done with the online dating thing and trying to meet someone. Again, I put that into God’s hands and let it be what it was.  Right before I closed my account I received one more message. We both decided to exchange email addresses since it was easier for both us to communicate that way and then I closed my account.  We emailed back and forth and I found myself very anxious to receive his emails. J (ooohhh!!!!).  We finally exchanged phone numbers and haven’t stopped texting since.   

It’s been almost two months since he first contacted me and I don’t think a day has gone by since, that we haven’t talked in some form.   And here comes the tricky part… I am falling in love with him.  And no that’s not the tricky part.  The tricky part is me. And my head.  I’ve kept my wall up for the past year so I wouldn’t be hurt… and the one and only time I put it down over the summer- I GOT HURT.  Now my wall is down.. and I am so scared of being hurt. Scared that I am going to have all these strong emotions for this wonderful man… and he’s not going to feel the same.  L

But in order to be able to fully be loved… I need that wall down and need to keep it down. Otherwise I won’t be able to feel the love that he does give me or be able to give anything in return.  I will be more susceptible to be hurt… but I will also be more susceptible to feel something amazing. 

So I am putting in all in God’s hands.  Whatever happens will happen.  I can’t dwell on the negative what ifs.  If it doesn’t work out… then it doesn’t. I will have learned from it and will move on (tho I already know that if that happens.- Im done with dating. Lol)  But if it does work out… this is going to be amazing. 

God has a plan for us.

Blessings N Love

Overthinking Mama